TIMARA Major Rates Their Favorite Sounds
FIONA FARRELL // NOVEMBER 15, 2O19
Do TIMARA majors exist because of sound, or does sound exist because of TIMARA majors? Tradition has us quick to assume the former, but, let’s face it, without TIMARA majors, would sound even have the right to exist? Probably not.
We lured an anonymous, unsuspecting Beatsmaker out from the depths of the Con basement and asked them to enlighten us auditory ignoramuses. Here is a list of their all-time favorite sounds:
1. Aggressive beard brushing/scratching into a hypercardioid microphone
“It all depends on what type of sound you’re going for—beard brushing is a bit more sensual, whereas scratching is as classic a move as they come. Either way, the beard is man’s plaything, and the hypercardioid microphone makes it sound damn great.”
2. LaCroix can purgation (LaCroix cans thrown around in a washing machine)
“It has to be LaCroix. Bubbly or any other canned beverage will not suffice.”
3. Two fist-sized styrofoam balls being rubbed together on the surface of the moon at 3:33 a.m.
“My friend went to the moon last year for Winter Term, and all I could hear about was how their Earthian ears weren’t properly accommodated to absorb unsettling Earth sounds while, like, out on the moon. They were right. Mark your g-cal for 3:33 a.m. sometime and give this a shot.”
4. A nightmarish ensemble of all the Bop It sounds played together in an echo chamber
“These sounds on their own each offer up really boundless potential, but together? You can’t even imagine. Actually, you don’t want to imagine. It’s pretty terrifying.”
5. The glass harmonica being played in a space-time void
“Do you know what a glass harmonica is? Oh, you do? Alright, well I bet you’ve never heard it being played in a space-time void.That’s what I thought.”
6. 1000 mirrors of various sizes being shattered simultaneously by moose antlers
“This was a once-in-a-lifetime experience of unimaginable auditory bliss. Surprisingly, it was more difficult to come across the thousand mirrors than the thousand mooses...meese...you know what I mean. But once we confined the mirrors and the...large antlered animals to a small yet open space and prompted them accordingly, the result was just truly fantastic.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m just not allowed to talk about this one. It’s full of just insane postmodern nuances that the public ear isn’t quite yet adapted for. Its time will come with the new millenia, when the TIMARA children will reign supreme and pre-program all existing sounds known to planet Earth and elsewhere.”
There you have it. Hunt for these sounds and replenish the voracious souls of your neglected plebeian ears. Live by the divine standard: the TIMARA standard.