Tappan Square Squirrel Cult Emerges From the Shadows
Demands Organizing Rights
By Sam Schuman | | February 23, 2018 @ 8:39 pm
Squirrels arranged in a pentagram in Tappan Square.
Photo by Sam Schuman.
Tappan Square—College-staff relations got a bit nutty Saturday, as a group of squirrels arranged in the shape of a pentagram demanded that Oberlin College recognize them as a professional association.
Speaking through their representative, the academy award-winning actor Matthew Broderick, the group of 5 fox squirrels (scientifically known as sciurus niger) told passerby that they considered themselves a “benevolent cult” who have for decades influenced events at the College, ranging from tuition increases to the creation of Decafé’s Hot and Ready section. After 60 years, they have decided to exercise their collective bargaining rights.
Although many students assume that the squirrels of Tappan Square are entirely ordinary, it’s an open secret among the administration and faculty that the Office of Safety and Security pays the small cult of rodents to narc on students in Tappan Square. According to Broderick, this once-amenable relationship has soured in recent years, as the college has implemented salary freezes and refused to improve workplace conditions, namely by continuing to allow “too many fucking dogs” in the 13-acre public park.
The squirrels reportedly became interested in unionizing after taking POLT 239: Marxian Theory with Marc Blecher last spring, and subsequently finding a discarded copy of The Marx-Engels Reader on a bench.
Many students were puzzled to witness the meeting, which consisted of five squirrels sitting roughly equidistant from one another directly across the street from King. There was speculation that the five were attempting to summon Satan, or at least Brockhampton, however Broderick assured The Grape that the unconventional arrangement was simply attempting to summon the ghost of legendary socialist organizer Eugene V. Debs.
The Tappan squirrels also announced that they will strike until the College administration agrees to their demands. The work stoppage has already become a topic of conversation among students. “At first I thought I was looking at a bunch of squirrels just standing around like they always do, but eventually I realized that I was looking at a sit-down strike.” Said first-year psychology major Natalie Passaro.
The Office of the Dean of Arts and Sciences released a statement on Monday acknowledging the squirrels’ legal right to organize while disputing claims that the College had ignored workplace safety concerns, saying “When was the last time anyone saw a dog bigger than a fucking dachshund in Tappan? If five squirrels can’t take down one weiner dog we’re all wasting our time here.”
The squirrels were last seen attending Marc Blecher’s office hours, where some speculate the Politics department chair will advise them on how best to organize in order to become the spectre haunting Tappan Square.
Contact staff writer Sam Schuman at email@example.com.