For the week of April 13
By Charlie Rinehart-Jones | | April 13, 2018 @ 4:30 pm
Tuesday, April 10
7:24 AM: Safety and Security responded to reports of hooligans attempting to roll the Bandstand out of Tappan, into a South practice room.
10:05 AM: Safety and Security investigated an incident of Oberlin students attempting to dunk on all touring high school juniors that stand above 6’0.
1:30 PM: Safety and Security investigated an unsubstantiated tip that Kim’s was going to begin charging $6 for its rice bowls.
4:56 PM: Six students were detained for attempting to swipe to pay for their goods at Decafe with a meal swipe before the meal period switched from lunch to dinner.
Wednesday, April 11
2:20 AM: Safety and Security responded to reports of actively drunk students attempting to pry open the doors of Agave. Unsubstantiated reports indicate that students believed it was daylight savings time.
6:00 AM: Safety and Security broke up a fight between the Honor Committee and everyone else.
12:30 PM: Reports flooded into Safety and Security Headquarters that Wilder Bowl is being demolished to build a monster truck arena.
11:10 PM: The Oberlin ’Sco contacted Safety and Security claiming that drunk underage students had made it past its thorough vetting process.
Thursday, April 12
9:30 AM: Safety and Security investigated a supposed nude gathering on North Quad.
11:45 AM: Safety and Security records report sightings of one hundred actual Albino Squirrels, all in a circle drinking Iced London Fogs.