Security Notebook: For the week of February 16
JULIA HALM // FEBRUARY 23, 2018
Tuesday, February 13
12:45 PM: Student lifeguard aided in the rescue of a CDS employee who dozed off while testing a new chocolate fountain. A work order has been filed to repair the flood damage to Stevenson Hall.
3:28 PM: Bystander intervened after fight over last bottle of red glitter broke out at Wilder Desk. Witnesses to the incident were dismissed after making too many puns about the participants being caught “red-handed.”
7:30 PM: Student filed a complaint to the Title IX office citing Galentines as a sexist and discriminatory institution.
Wednesday, February 14
6:35 AM: Reported break-in at the Ben Franklin. Desperation for the last bag of candy hearts in northeast Ohio is the suspected motive.
10:36 AM: Safety and Security responded to a complaint of diaper-wearing students using Wilder Bowl as an archery range. The Archery Club received an official warning and suspended all Cupid-themed festivities.
4:50 PM: Emergency medical personnel responded to a call after an individual was impaled with a pink PEZ that resembled “Cupid’s arrow.” The victim sustained a minor heart-shaped bruise and a $250,000 bill from Mercy.
8:46 PM: Safety and Security responded to reports of riots over Decafe charging $9.95 for an ugly chocolate heart.
11:51 PM: One pair of heart-shaped sunglasses (valued at $7) were found on the floor of the ‘Sco, broken. Foul play is suspected.
1:15 AM: Safety and Security respond, shut down party at 69 S Professor after noise complaint. Fourteen white girls were found outside screaming “OMG, I love you” to everyone prior to being escorted home.
Thursday, February 15
2:55 AM: student hospitalized for consuming an entire bottle of Grenadine in the name of Valentines Day cheer.
3:16 AM: S&S responds to call from student asking “you up?”
Contact contributing writer Julia Halm at firstname.lastname@example.org.