Security Notebook

For the week of April 20

BRIAN JAMES // APRIL 27, 2018

2:34 PM: A student was apprehended trying to use an old Decafe receipt to make it look they had already paid for some snacks. They were asked to return the snacks, and as a punishment the student was forced to do the hokey pokey.

5:52 PM: A student reported rustling noises underneath their bed while trying to fall asleep. Upon inspection by a Safety and Security officer, it was concluded that there was a monster underneath the student’s bed.

11:30 AM: An officer on routine patrol of King Building noticed students attempting to scale the building. The officer was impressed and asked the students to take a selfie with him when they returned down to safety.

Thursday, April 19

3:35 PM: A student reported that the temperature had changed a full 30 degrees Fahrenheit in one day and that this must be a mistake.

Friday, April 20

10:13 AM: A student barged into Safety and Security Headquarters carrying a plate of cookies and screamed “I’m flying! I’m flying! I need help!” An officer drove the student to Mercy Hospital where they fell into a deep and rejuvenating sleep.

 

1:25 PM: A student reported that Slow Train was serving a special holiday drink called “Green Dragon.” When an officer went to investigate, the staff were all zooted on the couch.

 

4:20 PM: An officer noticed a light breeze flowing from Wilder Bowl with an odor consistent with the smell of marijuana. Another officer was called to the scene where he experienced euphoric feelings, forgot what he was doing, and laid down to take a nap.

 

4:21 PM: An officer on routine patrol of Wilder Bowl saw another officer lying on the ground, woke him up, and they went to his apartment to blaze.

 

6:10 PM: A student reported the theft of a “large glass tube” from Wilder Bowl.

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