by Juli Freedman
Bad Habits Editor
[originally published June 3, 2022]
Now that I am a very famous satire writer, you might be wondering, is she a nepotism baby? And bitch OF COURSE! Let’s just say at Urology conferences, my dad is kind of a legend. Dr. Andrew Freedman is Los Angeles’ hottest pediatric urologist to the STARS(' kids). And as a famous person he should be guaranteed the same amount of privacy that all celebrities are granted, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY NONE! So if you are in the presence of this 5'6" king, you can say whatever the fuck you want. But if you need some pointers, here is a damn fine list:
1. A Really Hot Take On Circumcision
For someone that’s on some sort of board about circumcision research or some shit, this guy has a pretty lukewarm take on circumcision. He says the basic “I did your brother’s because we are Jews, and that’s what we do” and I know what you’re thinking— SNORE! He says he’s heard it all from Intactivists and the Foreskin H8rs, so why not surprise him with a take totally out of left field? Hey Man I Heard You Use Rusty Chainsaw When You Do It Thats So Fucked Up!! Or maybe Sir, Can You Confirm or Deny That You Keep The Foreskin And Make Little Fleshy Finger Puppets For Fun? Oh he will love it.
2. His Appearance
I have a feeling he may get a fresh haircut for what he likes to call “his big day,” or what experts might refer to as “my graduation.” If you want to make a tiny cranky jew giggle n’ blush, then maybe say something about how good his salt and pepper is looking. If he is really going all out, he may even ditch the classic polo and cargo shorts for a button down and what is basically a long cargo short. Although he would never say it, that is when he is really fishing for compliments like the little attention whore he is.
3. What “Mud Rolling Hog” Means
Last week my sister tweeted about how my dad’s highschool nickname was “mud rolling hog,” and of course I called her up right away. I was all like “what does that mean??” and she was like “I didn’t ask” and then I said “how the fuck did you not ask?!” She did disclose that there was an attitude of him really embracing the nickname, which could either mean that he could be repressing something (The typical ‘I’ve only cried twice in 30 years’ dad), or he is really just so naive that he was like ‘my friends please keep calling me a mud rolling hog, there is no way this could be antisemetic or body shaming, this is just a fun and silly name!’ I mean most likely it could be a dig at how much of a neat freak he is, but it is beautiful to think that he was a called a mud rolling hog and his offspring was called a “tank” and a “dome” by a girl who played soccer in middle school, and how we have both embraced our very weird bodies.
4. How Your Pee Burns
Or really any sort of urological problem. Does your lower back hurt? Is there a thick slimy goo coming from the tip? Did your boyfriend call your passions your “hobbies?” Run, don’t walk, to tell him all about it. This mensch loves doing pro bono work for absolute strangers, especially if he is just trying to have a nice dinner with his family. If you have been a patient of his, please go up and ask, “why did you break all those HIPAA laws and tell your daughter every bloody detail of my surgery? She is gossiping like crazy! They don’t even call me Aidan anymore, even my professors call me The Night Pisser!” He thinks he’s not the drama, but he’s totally the drama.
And what an amazing, brilliant, sexy, chill, emotionally in touch, talented, yet humble friend/classmate/roommate/lover/mentor/fashionista/stoner/actress/writer/model/comedienne I am. And if you want, go ahead and ask if he’s proud of me. He may say something like, “well she had to graduate college! We were not going to spend all this money for her to drop out and I’ll be proud when she graduates law school or med school, but she had to do this!” But then if you clarify and ask if he is proud of my horse cum memes (@equine_therapy_tips), which he is always going on about how I have a bestselling coffee table book on my hands, he might just shed a tear.
Editor’s Note: If you see my mom do NOT call her Mrs. Freedman, she HATES that shit. She will roundhouse kick you in the nuts if you pull something like that. Like, she’s still married to the guy and all, but does not want to be associated. Call her Dr. McVeigh, or Karen if she likes you.