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The Manifesto of a ‘Sco DJ Who Has Never Had an Attendant

By Finn Sipes


Illustration by Niovi Rahme

Dear Oberlin Student Body –

What else do I need to do to make the 'Sco more tempting on a Wednesday night? Hm?

I have tried making posters. I have tried making Instagram graphics. I have tried doing my own chalkboard art, which I hear you make fun of in that stupid fucking hallway that carries sound way too well. “Oh look at this shit, that guy can’t do bubble letters, these letters are so uneven and stupid and there’s not even a drawing,” hey FUCK YOU. The ‘Sco workers didn’t want to help me again because they knew no one would show up.

What do I need to do?

Listen, I know it’s the middle of the school week. I get it, you’re tired and have a lot of work and live with the worst time management this world has ever seen even though you’re only taking four classes with no extracurriculars. It's hard. You probably just want to stay in your dorms with your friends hanging out or doing work or getting rest or getting high, right?


EVERY NIGHT, Wilder is PACKED TO THE BRIM with you ASSHOLES. You don't care about staying in the dorm–hell you don’t even want rest. You guys would rather wait an hour and a half outside of the Rat to eat some oversauced undercooked cauliflower during fourth meal than come listen to music and get a drink for even 10 minutes. You must enjoy sitting around outside Decafé and getting yelled at by the workers for coming in while they are at capacity since you refuse to even turn 180 degrees and walk through the doors to my splitchers. You are right outside the goddamn door. Just come in! Please! There’re pool tables, there’s lights, there’s foosball! You can even just come in to tell me how shitty my music taste is if you want, I don’t mind! I’ll give you stuff to throw at my booth that I will clean up later!

Maybe it’s me. Is it just that you guys hate me? It’s okay if that’s the case, I get it, small school, lots of people to decidedly hate for no reason. Is this all just a ploy to personally make my life worse?

So, as I write this, face up with my back on this dusty-ass floor, sober, questioning if I even like this music anymore, I beg you, don’t just stick your head in to see if anything fun is going on in here. Just like, come in. Please. Just walk on in.

Anyways, I’ll be back next Wednesday with some Crunckore, and following that week (for all you 80’s and 90’s lovers) you can tune in for some Grebo! Desperately hope to see you there.

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