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The Interview of Ellens

By Ellen Efstathiou

Staff Writer


I got the opportunity to interview Ellen DeGeneres the other day. She’s been pretty quiet since getting canceled early in the pandemic, so I welcomed the chance to ask her what she’s up to. As a fellow Ellen, I’m always ready to meet more Ellens.


Ellen: Hi, Ellen, how are you?

Ellen: I’m Ellen!

Ellen: You know, I didn’t think “Ellen” could be an emotion, but now that you say that, it makes total sense. What have you been up to since the beginning of the pandemic?

Ellen: I’ve sold my house. I’ve also been used to roast Ryan Gosling in the Barbie movie.

Ellen: Ooh, exciting! I think. Anything else?

Ellen: Just getting canceled over old interviews. The usual.

Ellen: That makes sense.

Ellen: What do you mean by that?

Ellen: Do you want to hear a fun story?

Ellen: Sure.

Ellen: When I was in first grade, someone asked me if my last name was DeGeneres, and I didn’t know who you were so I thought they were making fun of me by being like “oh you’re a generous person, is your last name DeGenerous”. Then later I learned who you were, and that interaction suddenly made sense.

Ellen: Really?

Ellen: Sure did!

Ellen: So, what else are we going to talk about?

Ellen: Hang on, which one of us is talking now?

Ellen: What do you mean?

Ellen: There were ellipses. Either one of us could be talking right now. Or maybe there’s a new Ellen here.

Ellen: Hi!

Ellen: Ah!

Ellen: I bet it’s someone’s mom. I’ve met more people with moms named Ellen than Ellens themselves.

Ellen: I’m not a mom.

Ellen: Me neither. I guess we’re the exceptions.

Ellen: Hi, Ellen! It’s me, your fifth grade classmate Michael’s mom. My name is Ellen too!

Ellen: I’m the mom of some random person you met at college! I’m Ellen too!

Ellen: And I’m John Mulaney’s mom! I’m also Ellen!

Ellen: I’m the X-ray technician named Ellen you met when you were four! I might be a mom, I don’t know!

Ellen: I’m Ellen Pompeo! I am a mom and also a famous person!

Ellen: I’m the Ellen you met twice in one day at two different places when you were in kindergarten!

Ellen: I’m the other Ellen in your year at college!

Ellen: Okay, I think there’s too many Ellens here. To wrap up this interview, Ellen, are you excited about retirement?

All Ellens: I’m excited to see what the future has to offer!

Ellen: Well, at least we’re all in agreement.

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