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The Grape Staff Guesses What an NFT Is

[originally posted April 2021]


This week, we asked the Grape staff to take a wild guess at the question on everyone’s minds: What the f*ck is an NFT and why is it bad for the environment? Their answers will make you laugh, cry, and maybe even learn something new...

Priya: It’s an online picture that is worth a lot of money even though it’s just computer wallpaper background style of images. The money isn’t real but there is a whole lot of it and people are interested and some are upset that it’s changing how things are supposed to be. I think they are ugly🤏🏻

Zoe: I know the first part is “non-fungible” but I don’t know what the T stands for. Maybe tooth? Or tit? That said, I also don’t know what fungible means and especially not what non-fungible means. I’m pretty positive NFTs are related to computers and data, but fungible makes me think of fungi and mushrooms! In conclusion, NFTs must be like digital mushrooms with teeth or tits.

Courtney: Isn’t NFT the platform people are using to sell "exclusive" art etc using virtual money or something idk how its bad for the climate? maybe cus it's just fake money/ fake things

Joshua: NFT is an organization of anti-environmental terrorist cells, which work towards the ultimate goal of killing every tree on the planet; hence the organization's acronym NFT meaning "Not Fuckin' with Trees". Compared to the systematic exploitation of the environment by large corporations and the state, however, their strategy of amassing in small groups of at most five to push over thousand year old redwoods with their bare hands has resulted in minimal actual damage to the environment. Thus, the only penal action taken against them has consisted of a 50$ fine issued by a park ranger, and a civil lawsuit for the destruction of plaintiff Roberta Meescum's lemon tree sapling.

Sam: NFT? NFT! Who cares about that silly acronym when WBS...WHITE BOY SUMMER... is right there.

Wyatt: NFT stands for "Nonna's Famous Tomatoes." In Italy, my Nonna made the best tomato sauce anyone had ever tasted. It is said that Pope Paul VI loved NFT's so much that he gave Nonna a sacred plot of land in the Vatican City to grow NFTs. When President Trump visited Italy in 2019, he crushed some unripe NFTs, not only putting strain on US-Italy relations, but also upsetting the global tomato economy. NFTs have been in the news so much because Ever Given, the ship recently stuck in the Suez Canal, was shipping 2 billion tons of NFTs, the first batch since the Trump incident, to every single sovereign nation in the world, in an effort to rebalance the economy and restore healthy relations between the US and Italy. They are also in the news because a trace amount of NFT tomato juice is in every dose of the Moderna and AstraZeneca vaccines.

Liza: Something random people I follow on instagram are suddenly doing…and maybe it’s bad because it makes computers use too much energy?

Cameron: NFT stands for non fungible token, but I don’t know what fungible is. So it means that the token is a digital object that only one person can own and that way that everyone knows that one person is through the blockchain which is one word and there’s a bunch of different computers and they’re all doing lots of equations and these equations are able to tell you that only one person can own the picture. They are really bad for the environment because you just have all these computers just running all the time and if it's running all the time and it's doing all of these equations all of the time, then if they are plugged in, then they are all using a bunch of electricity. And I read somewhere that the blockchain uses more energy than a small country or the rainforest.

Kate: no idea, don’t care, the economy is fake to me and i don’t like numbers or kings of leon.

Levi: Ok, here's my best guess: NFT stands for Nelson, Fairbanks & Tucker. They were a soft rock band formed in Costa Mesa, CA during the 70s. They're best known for their hits "Pacific Feeling," "Scarlet Dancer," and "Moon Fever." An AM radio staple for decades, NFT has recently been the subject of controversy after reports from the 70s alleging that they dumped several bags of cocaine and several notebooks of rejected song ideas in the Upper Newport Bay resurfaced. NFT maintains their innocence, and have stated that they were victims of an extortion plot by rival band Greenwood, Clifford & Clarkson from Chula Vista (also known as GCC).

Izzy: All I know is that the poptart cat was up for grabs, love that guy.

Jane: NFT is the most dangerous Myers-Briggs personality type to society, because it contains 3 or more other personality types. Upon their 16th birthday, children are given a serum-induced psychological aptitude test which indicates their best-suited faction. However, they are allowed to choose any faction at the subsequent choosing ceremony. “NFTs”, more colloquially referred to as “Divergents”, are considered a threat to the government because they are able to think for themselves, and also because their farts cause climate change.

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