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The Grape Asks Cara Delevigne: What Do You Actually Do?

by Juli Freedman

Bad Habits Editor

art by Eva Sturm-Gross

[originally published October 2021]


Dear Cara Delevingne,

What do you do? Besides being passed around like a sack of salami by every Hollywood lez and “pegging the patriarchy”, really, what is it that you do all day? Sure, technically you’re a model, some would even dare to call you a supermodel, but just something about that doesn’t sit right with me. It should be a simple question, followed by a simple IMDb search or whatever, but this mystery of how you remain too relevant has truly consumed my every waking moment.

According to my memory as a tumblr blogger, you had eyebrows at one point. I also know that you were in the movie Paper Towns, which I could only assume you were passively bland in at best. But my memory fades when I try to think about you past 2014. What did Anna Wintour do to you to for you to still be invited to the Met Gala in 2021? Were the brows even thaaaaat cute?

As a fruit myself, it would be truly inspiring if you could make as much money as I think you make just by being gay and annoying. One for the history books. Hey I mean if you could make bank moving you and Ashley Benson’s sex swing into your house, then all I would be asking is where can I sign up! But, there is no way this is possible. I mean even if it was, could it really afford your gigantic hideous house with a ball pit, costume room, and whatever interior designer you put a gun to their head to make your “vagina closet.” I am starting to think that maybe you are a straight person paid by some homophobic all-seeing overlord in order to make the public hate lesbians. And, oh, is it working!

Every night before I am about to fall deeply into a marvelous slumber I am reminded of the terrible ache I have to find out what it is you do. I haven’t slept in years! So please, I beg of you, for the sake of my sanity, GET. A. JOB!!!!!!

Love, Juli <3

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