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Summer’s Hottest Accessory

by Juli Freedman

Bad Habits Editor

[originally published May 9, 2022]


We here at Bad Habits Corporation at Oberlin Fashion School for the Wicked are always on the pulse of the hottest trends. Last summer we predicted that the hottest trend would be cheese cubes, and, I mean, fuck aren’t we sick of them now. Can’t stand the sight of them. Diarrhea on command. So for this summer, we knew we had to go straight to the source for an insider peek of what Summer 2022 will be all about.

We surveyed 100 of the hottest girls on campus, and to no one’s surprise the answer was the same: Cigars. There is nothing like a thick hunk of rich, robust tobacco out a chick’s mouth that compliments every outfit. A 7-inch Montecristo White with a dykey (as in aesthetic, not for real! gross!) Carhart! Or perhaps a Churchill with your snakeskin knee-high boot! For the most sweltering heat, consider a Macanudo to pair with your DollsKill mesh onesie! The possibilities are endless! Don’t wanna blow in some tar? Wee ooo wee ooo there goes the fashion police! 100% of the hot girls also clarified that you MUST be smoking it for the full effect. If you aren’t going to light up, why even try waking up in the morning?

From the runways of Milan to Bella Hadid’s sperm bank run in West Hollywood, the ultimate trendsetters agree, cigars are IT. When the paps approached miss Hadid about her Padron, she said “ay you sonova bitch get out me fuckin wey bozo!” and ashed on TMZ correspondent Tadpole Tracy in the ear. Iconic.

With the predicted rise of cigars among teen fashionistas, we must ask, do doctors approve? Hell yeah they do! “Well if it's for fashion then it’s okay” says unlicensed gynecologist Dr. Kurt Cobain. Dr. Cobain states, “The effects of bullying on the average not hot loser is way more detrimental to the mind and body than the effects of smoking. No it’s not 100% safe, sure, but I will fight [to the death] any teen girl that looks like shit, and that's 0% safe.” When can I schedule another appointment with this guy, am I right ladies??

So you heard it here first, get lit or have the lit get you fuckers.

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