top of page

Stoner Update: New Study Shows 100% of Other People are Cops

by Officer Hudson Kassen



Among the world’s stoner community, a lot of myths get passed around. You may be familiar with some, such as the “forever weed,” the idea that different strains will affect you differently, or when people say that eating the filter is “gross” and “doesn’t do anything.” While most of these rumors are exactly that—rumors—they still get shared from person to person and have a tendency to spread like wildfire, and most of them revolve around one subject: cops. To a stoner, cops are the only thing scarier than looking in the mirror, so a group of researchers at Oregon State University decided to look into some of these myths.

The research team aimed to settle if cops can lie about being cops if you ask them directly, if there is a definitive way to spot a cop from a distance, and to finally determine whether or not you, specifically, act like a cop. After several months of exhaustive research and comprehensive data analysis, the team was unable to settle the questions they had initially intended to study, but found out something much more sinister about the relationship between cops, smoking weed, and you.

After only a few weeks, the research group realized that they would not be able to find a definitive answer to any of their original questions; however, when compiling their data, one of the team members noticed an odd detail. Curious about the inconsistencies they had found in their work, they followed them down that rabbit hole and quickly reformulated their hypothesis. After conducting a few more rounds of testing, the team discovered something startling: everyone is a cop except for you.

While this news may come as a shock to some, the team from Oregon State is quite confident in their findings. In their words, “everyone around you is a cop, and not only are they cops, they can totally tell that you’re high right now and they’re just waiting for the right time to get you.”

bottom of page