by Fionna Farrell
art by Wilson Crook
[originally published March 25, 2022]
Hello Im Bronco the Horse. Welcum to myself care tips. I don’t rlly write much because im a horse. But Bobbie Millie Pippa Pearl has been mo rose and annoying lately. I just want sum alone time with the smarmy new mustang Costco but the farmcel won’t leave me alone. I tried sell her on craigs list but didnt work. So if i cant get rid of Millie I might as well try an help her be less annoying and whatever farmcel is reading this too.
Lov yourself- I know it real hard to do that, Millie, and all you other fuglies, when you look like that. Thats why your parents keep you in the attic or send you to ohio so they dont have to see you. But you have to try. Farmcels have inner beauty so do jenner studies majors so do people who play Dee an Dee, so does everyone.
Call or text someone you lov– I know you can't text, Millie, because your phone from before the war of northern aggro doesnt have letters yet. But the rest of you have no excuse. It’ll make you feel better even if they block you or changed there name to “new phone who dis”
Read a gud book– You must have one or two of those lying around Im sure your family hasnt burned all of them yet. (maybee HOW TO PUT A SADDLE ON RIGHT FOR DUMMIES or OR HOW TO MOUNT BRONCO RIGHT FOR DUMMIES VOLUME INFINITY). The rest of you can learn from that to. If those don work then maybe you can try Camoo, I think you wood like The Playge Millie because of the rats in your walls.
Take a shower— Not a bath i repete not a bath Millie you smell worse then my nemesis Fredy who died of ketamine overdose the rest of you smell like wet dishreg.
Listen to som soothing music- my favorites are limp biscuit nickelback and rockmoninfahf. Swipe up and we can do a spotifi blend !!!
Go For A Long Drive– I have no ideer what gas is but its expensive so i buyed a lot fir you Millie. Its all in the trunk in the boxes. Thank me later. Treat yoself. The rest of you can leave to with her you are so grating and dont apprecyate everything i do for you.
“Help yourself then everyone will help you.” –Kneeche
“Get off your [beep] ass and work.” -Kim K