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Rejected Winter Term Proposals 2023

Illustration by Anonymous, Contributor


Dishwasher Repair

I don’t have any dishwasher soap anymore so I have blocked out most of January to deal with this. During this winter term, I will investigate and purchase dishwasher detergents (week 1), explain to my roommate what’s going on (week 2), and reflect on this experience (week 3).

Spotify Wrapped Boot Camp

This year, my Spotify Wrapped accurately reflected my music taste, which was hugely embarrassing, so I’m going to head it off at the pass in 2023. During this winter term, I will engage in a rigorous listening schedule of zydeco rap, French film soundtracks, and a genre I’m going to pioneer called “SlimJim-core.” Come next December, everyone will know that I like music, but not in a stupid way.

Signs and Signifiers

Every day I will find a sign in front of an elementary school and I will rearrange the letters into something funny like in Captain Underpants.

Podcast Pedagogy

I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts lately and I want to take this opportunity to explain them to the people in my life. Every day, I will call a random person in my contacts and tell them which 5-6 men who are all best friends they should be listening to!

Writing “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers

Some might say, “That song already exists.” Some might also say, “I’m not really sure what you mean by this.” Well, I mean this: it’s time Kenny Rogers’ seminal masterpiece “The Gambler” gets an electroacoustic facelift, and I am the only person who could ever take on such a mammoth task. This winter term, I will write and record the definitive version of “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers, adding remarkable new instruments such as the cymbals and the default GarageBand piano sound. Save your thanks for February.

My Original TV Pilot

In my pilot, five queer friends share a shoebox apartment in Bushwick. You won’t believe what quirky-shenanigans-slash-downcast-introspective-bouts these five mulleted coveralls get into – they might even do a drug! What’s for certain is that my pilot will have a certain offbeat New-York-i-ness to it that only approximately seven million people have managed to capture before.

Deodorant Testing

I am very sweaty and I’m at my wit’s end. I’m also requesting funding to purchase all the types of deodorant I am going to test. This project is going to be international so I can test the deodorants at a Swedish sauna.

Which Icicles Taste the Best

I will take icicles from different buildings on campus and taste them. I’m also thinking of adding squirrels to the menu so I can make a charcuterie board of sorts.

Tracking Down all the People that Buildings are Named After

I am going to find “North” and “South” and “East”. They cannot hide from me anywhere. I will use all the resources in my disposal. I’d like to request funding for detective gear. Also, why does every wing of these buildings have a different name? Who wanted that? “Use my money to build this hallway and only this hallway.” What?

Working on Resume and Exploring Career Options

I feel like this is self explanatory if you read the title. Does anyone at the winter term office even read these? Is my advisor even going to read this? I know, I’ll test it! Fuck you!

Making Up Winter Terms For Next Year

This year, it took me a harrowing 25 minutes to bullshit my way through a winter term project description, and I don’t want to be caught in the same situation in November 2023. In January, I will spend 4-5 hours a day thinking of new and educational ways to phrase “I’m going to rip a piece of paper into little shreds while watching Bear Grylls” and “I’m going to do drugs.”


This winter term, I will carve.

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