by Ellen Efstathiou
[originally published May 20, 2022]
Everyone here knows about WOBC, that pinnacle of music amongst an extremely musically inclined campus, and sometimes it also has talk shows. What people might not realize, however, is that when WOBC receives music to add to their vault, a lot of it is bad. There are a lot of bad musicians out there, and I’ve kept all their songs in my Spotify playlist: Rejected Bops from WOBC. Here’s the worst of what music-kind has to offer.
1. Cranky Christmas by The Bad People. At least they’re self aware! This Holiday of Yule diss track is apparently no longer available on Spotify. You can listen to it on deezer, though, and I don’t even know what that is. This cross between an SNL Digital Short and an edgy teenager somehow thinks that it’s inevitable to be pepper sprayed at a Christmas party. Make sure you’re listening to the first Cranky Christmas on the album (that’s right, this is part of an album) because the remix later on is the exact same thing, but with a different beat under it. Put this song on next Christmas to make it weird for the whole family!
2. Time to Play by Paul Nickels. This song is from the album With Friends Like These and considering there are twelve faces on the album cover and he only has three monthly listeners on Spotify, he might need to reconsider some of those friends. This song is really only useful for either a movie montage of a band getting ready to record or if you’re an introvert pumping yourself up to hang out with people. Either way, it’s super generic and you’ll find yourself skipping it every time it comes up.
3. She Farts While She Walks by Lizzy Young. I’ve heard that every song tells a story, but I don’t know what story this is supposed to be telling. The first lyrics we hear are “She farts while she walks, she doesn’t know how to talk.” What does this mean!? I understand farting while walking, that’s happened to everyone, but why can’t she talk? Is the farting the way she talks? Can she not talk because she is farting? What combination of farting, walking, and talking will allow her to thrive? Lizzy Young is from France. Is this what it’s like in France? They just fart and walk and don’t talk? Is that why the French language sounds so weird? If that’s the case then I’m never going to France! I can eat cheese and wine elsewhere!
4. Happy Birthday Birthday Boobs by The Balboas. This was the first entry to my playlist, and I don’t think anything is ever going to top it. The sarcastic tone of the song is really what elevates it beyond just any old bad song. Now, at first glance it might seem like the boobs are being celebrated, but that is nowhere near the truth. Instead, the singer mocks the boobs and the boob-haver for how bad they look on their birthday. So play this song for someone with boobs that you hate on their birthday, and maybe they won’t realize until later on that you were mocking them.
5. Save the World Today by Igor Anicic. This We are the World wannabe is soooo vague. The listener is repeatedly told to “save the world,” but no directions are given on how to do this. And I’m a follower, not a leader. At one point, Igor tells us to “change the way the world is spinning round.” Now, I’m no man of science, but I am taking Astronomy 100 right now, and I’m pretty sure if we changed the way the world was spinning, that would be pretty bad. Our seasons would be all out of whack! In short, Igor Anicic is trying to destroy us under the guise of saving the world with Facebook inspirational quotes.
THESE ARE ALL REAL SONGS. LISTEN AT YOUR OWN RISK.