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Reggie's Ridiculous Reviews: Market Madness

by Reggie Goudeau

Staff Writer

[originally published March 11, 2022]


*Although this is based on a true story, each person, business, and product here except the items purchased at Family Dollar have been altered or exaggerated.

So niggas went to the market this weekend, and all-too-much fuckery occurred. I forgot bout the trip until my partner, Makayla, reminded me, and they was pretty enthusiastic bout gettin fresh produce. I usually survive with my diet of Pop-Tarts and Pepsi, but my partner wanted to cook real food for some reason. As such, we left at 10:15 to get to the bus near Wilder.

The ride there was chill, and we got to the market after like 45 minutes. We were vibin’ and purchased some fruit here or seasonings there for a while. Then, one vendor I’ll name “Strawberry Steve” spotted me and asked me to buy some of his fruit. He had a red shirt, and a grey uncle lookin’ ass hat on tryna catch me lackin. Steve was the first of many mildly sketchy characters I encountered, but he was pretty harmless. The dude just really wanted me to buy some of his stuff, and I’m pretty sure he grabbed a random assortment of shit and offered it to me for $10. Besides the obvious strawberries, he tried to include apples, starfruit, blueberries, and what may have been a bag of Scooby-Doo fruit snacks. He began offering sum of his stock in Bitcoin near the end, but I dipped before he could finesse me. Overall, I give Steve’s stand ⅗ strawberries.

After escaping, Makayla and I went to the most bootleg Family Dollar I’ve seen. The place looked like they sold Chedda Squares and Heated Cheesies. We would’ve usually ignored spots like this, but the market was unsurprisingly bare in the winter. Niggas were willing to try anything once we ran outta food stands to browse. I got way too many bags of unopened Decafe snacks in my dorm anyways, so I ain’t feel like spending money on more food. We did make two notable purchases here, though, such as the legendary Nintendo DS classic, “ATV Quad Frenzy” (yes, the title is unaltered). We also picked up “Spider’s Web, A Pig’s Tale” (yes, this is also real) to watch once we find a random DVD player lying around. Even tho I ain’t pick up any food, imma give Family Dollar five Chedda Squares outta five for making me laugh.

While walking back to the market, Makayla and I saw the second shady character of our adventure, “Henny Hank.” Hank was taller than Steve, the first of several Black people we encountered, and visibly tipsy. Our boi probably thought his hippie glasses could make him seem more sober, but he was not succeeding. He asked us to buy him some food, and despite my insistence that I had no cash on me (a true statement), he still stuck around. Eventually, my partner just gave him $2 to get him away from us for the time being. Makayla also saw him chugging a bottle of Hennessy before going to ask other locals and visitors for the same thing. I can’t blame this nigga for being drunk constantly if he really is homeless, but this shit was not a good look regardless. I’d rate this interaction with Henny Hank 2 dollas outta Makayla’s pocket.

After escaping Hank, the two of us waited for hours in the market as many other random people passed us by. Things were relatively peaceful until two more interesting characters popped out. In one corner we have “Vodka Victor” in a blue coat with a lil beard. In the other we have “Racist Rick,” a short nigga with a receding headline and glasses. Both of them were pretty chummy, and seemed like they either knew each other or were too faded to care about each other’s personality. I’d buy either since Victor pulled out vodka from his goddamn coat and shared it with Rick. I wasn’t actively paying attention to their ramblings, but Makayla picked out some golden quotes from them. Victor apparently tried to clown me for layin’ down and dissociating, but once again, I ain’t notice. Even if I did, I’m not tryna square up with a nigga who got coat vodka. I’d rate my time with Victor two weird niggas invading the market outta five.

Racist Rick went on at one point about how Black lives don’t always matter (he was Black) and mentioned how Chinese people are responsible for sum’ ion even remember honestly. The point was that he was drunk and clearly playing for the yt man’s team. Meanwhile, Vodka Victor was singing several random songs in the market. He was pretty flat and should’ve stuck to his range, but I respected his attempts. The man thought he was The Weeknd or something cause he tried flirtin’ with literally every legal feminine-presenting person who walked in his path. Again, I respect his dedication despite knowing his methods ain’t getting him pussy. I’d give Racist Rick one month of mandated anti-racism training outta five.

On top of everything else we’d been through by this point, I had to use the bathroom for hours. After the last odd nigga encounter, I decided at least one thing needed to improve that day. I had Makayla watch my stuff, and I scoured the local area until I found a Cafe with a restroom. I used it, left the place, and was about to get back to my partner. Sadly, our good friend Henny Hank reappeared to make my life worse than before. I kept reassuring him that I had no cash until he eventually asked me to take him somewhere with a card for food. Desperate to get away from this man, I agreed and bought him a burger and fries to go from the nearest place. After wasting $15 and a decade’s worth of pride, I managed to finally get back to Makayla. Once that happened, I just waited in silence for the bus to arrive while slowly dissociating. I’d rate my final interaction with Henny Hank one lone teardrop streaming down my face (and a free mental breakdown).

If nothing else, ATV Quad Frenzy is surprisingly addictive even if I can’t stop falling off my fuckin’ ATV.

Anyways, despite the fantastic media Family Dollar had to offer, I gotta give this trip one copy of “Spider’s Web, A Pig’s Tale” outta ten.

In conclusion, I’m done trying to eat healthy since it only ever leads to despair. After all, my Pop-Tarts and other snacks have rarely failed me the way this school consistently does.

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