by Isabel Hardwig
art by Eva Sturm-Gross
[originally published November 2021]
Choose the answer that you think best defines you, and calculate your score at the end to figure out where your keys are once and for all. Compare with friends for endless fun!
Where did you last see your keys?
I remember seeing my keys in their designated key spot on my desk, which is labeled “Keys :)” with a sticky note. This is where I left my keys.
There is a chance that my keys are in the place on my dresser where I usually put them, but also a chance that I decided to switch it up this time and slip them into my pillowcase
I remember last seeing my keys in the box of Oatmeal Squares that I was eating while thinking about how I am too loose and casual to be constrained by boundaries such as locks. There is a chance that there is a piece of my keys inside each Oatmeal Square.
How do you usually carry your keys around?
I keep my keys in a little box that always rests in the pocket closest to my heart. This box is also labeled “Keys :)” with a sticky note, and I never leave my room without it
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I carry my keys around on a carabiner that is outdoorsy, practical, and a little lesbian, but on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I carry my keys around in a hollowed-out kiwi just to add some zest to my key routine
Whenever I leave my room, I give my keys to a rat to swallow. It is always a different rat, and he is welcome to do whatever he likes with my keys because I couldn’t care less.
The last time you lost your keys, where did you find them?
Silly me, I thought that my keys were in their designated key box next to my heart, but instead they were in their designated key spot on my desk! I can be so scatterbrained sometimes.
Sometimes when I lose my keys I find them in places like my bookshelf or under my bed, while other times I find them in places like the toilets or between the couch cushions, and once I found them in a DVD case for the movie The Sentinel.
This morning, while I was being a free spirit and going up and down the elevator over and over again, a man in a trench coat got on and we discussed how much we hate organization and love going with the flow. We then engaged in some impromptu carnal relations, after which he reached into his trench coat pocket and gave me my keys.
When you don’t have your keys, how do you get into buildings?
I call Campus Security and ask them to let me in. When the security officers get there I pay the appropriate fee and then another ten dollars out of pure gratitude to once more be reunited with my keys. The security officers tell me that I am a model student and they wish everyone lost their keys like me, and then if I’ve been very good they give me a little sleeve of salted peanuts as a treat.
Usually I ask a friend or roommate to let me in, but sometimes when I’m feeling the call of the moon I will tunnel underground with a plastic fork.
I am casual and relaxed enough to just phase through walls when I feel like it, but instead I usually choose to pull the fire alarm and then every other fire alarm in every other building, and then I break a window and climb in while everyone is distracted by the fire
Do you think you might have left them in a classroom?
Almost certainly not, since I rigorously pat myself down for my keys every time I leave a room and ask my classmates to pat me down as well in case I missed something. But many of my classmates are more slack about this procedure than I would like because they are terrible chaotic people. I will have to go to all my classrooms just to be sure.
I have a strong feeling that my keys are either in my pocket or at the bottom of Lake Erie, so I don’t think I will find them in a classroom.
I might have left my keys in my Your Mom 201 classroom, either when I was spreading butter across the chalkboard or when I was riding a grocery cart full of marbles across the room. If I did, I am probably never going to find them because I am too fun and wild to go to the same class more than once.
Mostly A’s: Your keys are definitely someplace reasonable and good! Consider checking the places where your keys usually are and the places where you specifically put your keys when you set them down.
Mostly B’s: You are a tough nut to crack! There is a chance that your keys are someplace reasonable and good, but there is also a chance that they are someplace terrible and bad. You will have to cover all the bases when looking for your keys.
Mostly C’s: I am sorry to say that your keys are someplace terrible and bad. I hope that this does not deter you from your hobbies of being loosey-goosey and putting important things down just any old place.