by Priya Banerjee
Thursday, June 3, 2021
8:43 p.m. Officers, Oberlin Fire Department members, and an Oberlin College electrician responded to a fire alarm at a Village Housing Unit on Cedar Street. The cause of the alarm was steam from three people doing some penetrative love-making in the shower.
Friday, June 4, 2021
5:27 p.m. Students reported the theft of three pairs of Parade undies from the lacrosse and soccer locker room between May 2 and June 2. The student described the stolen garments as having “battery acid scented” holes in fabric nearest to the nether region. The total value of the stolen undies was estimated at $9 per pair with FREE SHIPPING over $33! Use Discount Code “PILFEREDPANTIES20” for 10% off your first order!
Tuesday, June 8, 2021
1:02 a.m. Custodial staff reported a bat flying around on the first floor of Peters Hall. An officer responded and propped open exterior doors. An Oberlin 2021 flip-flop (Congrats Grads!) was thrown at the bat in an attempt to remove the bat from its location. The flip-flop hit the bat in the head resulting in the bat exhibiting behavior officers cited as “really nuts”. The bat flew in circles for a few minutes, then was able to fly out the open doors.
8:40 p.m. A student requested assistance in opening the door to a washing machine in Firelands Apartments so they could get their clothing. An officer and maintenance technician responded. The door was opened. A rare, vintage, archival Hermès by Martin Margiela low-cut, wool, floor-length, sleeveless, nude smock dress from the 1997 A/W RTW collection was damaged from a piece of wire that was near the door.
(Article by Priya Banerjee, if you wanna be anon and use a pseudonym, or if we want to replicate/parody the review, they do not write who transcribes, but I feel like using your name doesnt take much away from the parody and this is funny stuff u deserve credit!)