Notes app non-apology from staff writer we just fired


[originally published 9/27/19, art by Molly Sheffield]

 

I am first and foremost a comedian who pushes boundaries. Am I second and second most an arsonist? That depends--are you an artist if you’ve painted one picture? I just want to remind everyone that there was no one--or at least, no people-- inside the Panera at the time. When you go through 10 years of comedy, it can really weigh on you. Sometimes you’re just sitting in a Panera thinking to to yourself “God, what if I just set this place ablaze and rose from the ashes?”. If I legitimately offended anyone, if anyone is actually upset that we now have one fewer Panera on this godforsaken planet, I am happy to apologize. I’m happy to say “I shouldn’t have allegedly burned down that Panera”. Can we all just grow the fuck up and accept that I deserve a huge platform to express all the hatred and the rage that I feel in my heart without consequence? In the words of Marshall Mathers, ‘If there's not drama and negativity in my life, all my art will be really wack and boring; I’m gonna live forever.’



We at the Grape take atrocities very seriously and are proud to report that after the video of Shane burning down that Panera surfaced, we only supported him for another week or so.


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