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(NOT COVID) Emails

by Isabel Hardwig

Bad Habits Editor


Hey, all! I’ve been feeling pretty sick lately (not COVID), so I won’t be able to participate in the group project on Monday. My symptoms are pretty severe (fever, chills, no sense of smell, six positive COVID tests and a passive-aggressive personal email from Dr. Fauci), but could be a lot of different things, and I’ve only kissed like two people with COVID this week so it’s probably not that. Can’t wait to see you on Tuesday!

Illustration by Molly Chapin, Production Assistant

Hello, gang! My hair has been falling out and my pee is green (not COVID). This has no bearing on whether or not I’ll be able to attend our experimental possum-themed poetry workshop, I just like to maintain total 100% transparency with everyone in my life. Excited to read your ‘poss po’s!

What’s up, guys? I broke my wrist last week playing with the garbage disposal, and I’m experiencing symptoms like extreme wrist pain, limited wrist mobility, and persistent potato-skin smell. It’s probably not COVID, but I understand that caution is key right now, so I’ll be happy to test if that would make anyone more comfortable. Otherwise, I’ll just be maintaining six feet of distance at our next baby corn potluck, and I can also separate my baby corn dish from the other baby corn dishes, to limit transmissibility.

How’s it hanging, friends? In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been feeling really sick lately, but my psychic told me that I don’t have COVID and instead have this secret other thing that acts like COVID but isn’t, and that is completely unique to me. I’m looking forward to embarking on this medical journey with you all, and I’m excited to see what we’ll discover together!

Illustration by Molly Chapin, Production Assistant

To whom it may concern–I have come down with a terrible case of the vapors (not COVID) and will be retiring to the seaside for my health. Because of this, I will be unable to pitch in on the grocery bill this week. Hope all is well, send regards to your sister from me.

Hi-diddly-ho, neighbors! I seem to have stumbled myself into a major case of “talking like Ned Flanders disease” (not COVIDidididilly-doo). Thank you for all your support as I continue to test positive for “talking like Ned Flanders disease,” and I hope to see you all at the rollerskating prayer-a-palooza!

Illustration by Molly Chapin, Production Assistant

What’s up, y’all? I got bitten by a feral cat while taking out the trash, and I’ve been experiencing some flu-like symptoms like depression, headaches, irritability, and excessive saliva production. Luckily, I’ve had two negative rapid tests, so I’ll see you all in contact improv class tomorrow!

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