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by Jared “Absolutely Shredded” Franklin

art by Sam Merrick

[originally published November 2021]


Hey fellas! Have you been absolutely crushing No Nut November and wondering, how can I make this a little more challenging? Well do I have the answer you have been (not) cumming for. As a certified Gains Master (on the dark green bowling ball) you have to believe me when I say that not wanking is not enough! But you know what is? No Piss November!

We all know pissing is kind of a cop out because it feels the same as nutting. Its the same hole baby! Its the same baby hole! This month, Urinary Tract Infection fffsshhh more like Ur Trophy of Insanity!!!!!!! So If you don’t rack up at least 10 UTIs, you ain’t doin it right!

But what about my loser ass kidneys? Only little bitches have 2 kidneys. The less kidneys the more room for gains. You should want your body to be 100% gains, stamina, and turbo urine. You know who did No Piss November like a fucking champ? George Lopez. Then he took his wife’s kidney and divorced her LIKE A BOSS!

Think you’ve mastered your fluids? Try these next:

No Shit November

No Chew November

No Swallow November

No Speak November

No Sweat November

No Empathy November

No Smoked Salmon November

No Memories November

No Bending of the Knees November

Nothin but Walkin’ Around on Stilts November

No Nerve Endings November

At the end of the month once you have defeated your primal urge to tinkle and splat and whatever, I swear man, your head will reach new levels of clarity. You will start thinking really smart shit like “who even needs women?” and “relationships!? more like selling Young Living essential oils to all my high school friends because I make my own hours so I can have enough time to start MY business, grow MY downline, and spend time working on MY LEGEND STATUS. If I get 100 entrepreneurs on my downline the guys at the top will give me an old Camry that, in their words, ‘screams like a prom queen that wants to get plowed HARD’. ” To really do it right, you gotta come on down to my piss pad where we can just let all the goo pour out of every pore of our beautiful bodies. The gushy mush will, yes, be made into the essential oils and you wouldn’t believe it these bottles are selling like hot cakes! And by hotcakes I mean I need $1500 or they are gonna kill me man.

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