by Juli Freedman
Bad Habits Editor
art by Martina Taylor
[originally published May 20, 2022]
Boy have I signed quite the number of NDAs in my thousands of years on this planet. But what these bastards didn’t even see coming. . . I don’t know what the fuck an NDA is! New Dance Alert? These bozos just push a paper in front of me and are like do not tell anyone about this, as if a silly piece of paper (that I will eat later) is gonna stop me. No way! So here is a list of the top 4 NDAs I have signed, and what they were really all about.
1. Being Rihanna’s Surrogate
Shocked? C’mon! I mean we could all smell a fake belly from miiiiiles away. Rihanna and A$AP (yeah we are on a first name basis) plucked me off the street and shoved me in a van saying “damn girl you would be so hot pregnant” and I was like “Oh I actually get that a lot! Thank you!” and the rest was history. They have been so chill. I asked if I could go to Cedar Point and do all the loopy ones and they were all like “yessss bitch.” They made me sign this NDA during the first trimester, but I think they would be cool with me telling you all this since we are so close.
2. Being a producer on the Bachelor
I briefly worked on Claire’s season, where she is most notable for being the oldest bachelorette. I think they said she was 39, but in real life, that girl was 85. My main job was spoon feeding her soup, popping in some Werthers when she got cranky, and sponge bathing her. I mean it was pretty weird. Not because of the old thing, but more so the fact that they were saying that these guys were in their 30s, when most of them were pretty fresh out of high school. I said something about prom and this one guy was like “I can’t wait to go to prom next weekend at my local high school with all my high school friends” and they took him out back and shot him. I forget what that NDA said but it was a really great showbiz learning experience!
3. Writing Every Dua Lipa Song
Me and Dua were chillin poolside when she turned to me and was all like “oy mista, me arse hurts! My bird is total fitted but I don’t know whether to ring him on the telly” and I was like “they should really make some NEW RULES about this” And she was like “Mate, that’s brilliant! You fooken wanker,” and we have been collaborators ever since! I did end up writing the whole song and then every song since while she brushed my hair with a golden comb. But she is just so insecure about her songwriting abilities, I did what every good best friend would do and let her have it and signed that NDA, whatever it means.
4. Faking Bob Saget’s Death
My dad’s close friend (who thinks I am really mature for my age) Bob came up to me shaking me by the shoulders all like “I am in some real deep shit Freedman! Don’t tell your dad!” and I was all like “Calm down jabroni! What’s going on??” and he was going on and on about like wire transfers and secret accounts in the Cayman Islands and the dolphin trade and I was like “you are making noooo sense old man.” And I swear he stared right into my soul and said, “you are the only one I trust, I need to know if you have a trap door casket guy” and I was like “for sure” and he gave me the most tender kiss on the forehead. Anyways, I am not sure what he said to my guy but I do not know where he is. Oh and I had to sign some paper in the midst of this. RIP Bobby Sags.