MEGAN FOX AND MACHINE GUN KELLY TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO DO THINGS

by Miss Pit Farts



art by Olivia Polken

[originally published October 2021]

 

In light of the recent interview with the world’s new favorite couple (Machine Gun “Blonde Angel Baby” Kelly and Megan “Has a Nietzsche Tattoo” Fox) that absolutely broke the internet with its “‘You smell like weed’--’I am weed’”, our resident horny detective here at Grape Bad Habits was sent out to track down those two lovebirds for an exclusive lesson in how to best utilize your household objects!


HOW TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB

How many Machine Gun Kellys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The answer to this question is something we’ll never know for sure, since Machine Gun does not in fact keep conventional “light bulbs” in his home office/studio/workspace/bro cave. He says they “distract from the mood of his work,” and because he’s “more of a lava lamp kind of guy.” However, he was able to collaborate with Megan on this How-To which will hopefully clear up any questions one could have about the subtle art of screwing in lightbulbs….

  1. Tip from Machine Gun: Make sure your power source is on so that you get a gnarly little shock when you touch the socket!

  2. Megan advises buying light bulbs in colors that you feel best match the current cycle of the moon.

  3. Use the old bulb to make some tumblr ass drinks!

  4. Screw that baby into the socket after drinking a few of said drinks to make it more of a challenge to get all the grooves to line up right.

  5. Just use the light of the love in your hearts to see the way. Light bulbs are a western construct.

HOW TO RUN THE DISHWASHER

To bring out the best qualities of their shared Taurus astrological sign, Machine Gun and Megan Fox use a dish detergent infused with lavender to try to calm their “restless spirits.” Since Megan’s favorite place is “anywhere that’s been around a while, like trees,” she buys an all-organic dish detergent for her carbon-neutral dishwasher because, guys, she cares. The couple always adds a teeny tiny drop of Megan’s blood from the vial that Machine Gun keeps around his neck so that they can feel more connected physically as well as emotionally. Sometimes they even throw a crystal in there for good measure. But how do they get this mixture running?? Find out more below….

  1. Grab your favorite all natural dish soap and drizzle an entire bottle over the dishes.

  2. Drink a few drops of your gf’s blood and then spit em in there

  3. Press start and get back to the studio to make beats

HOW TO SWEEP THE FLOOR

As “twin flames,” there isn’t much that Megan and Machine Gun don’t do together. She’s his other half, he’s her best friend, they’re really a modern day Romeo and Juliet. So naturally, they always sweep the floor together. Over the course of their year and a half long relationship, they’ve worked to create a system… Megan sweeps, and Machine Gun holds the dustpan thingy. They’re so in sync physically that they could sweep the floor with their eyes closed, and tongues down each other's throat. He always knows just where to bring the dustpan and she always knows just where to put the little dust particles…. Ugh they’re so perfect we can’t even!

  1. Be one with the broom/dustpan

  2. Don’t sweep alone!

  3. Machine Gun and Megan actually couldn’t finish this list because they were too busy having “the kind of sex that would make Lucifer clutch his pearls.”


HOW TO UNWIND

As Nietzche always said, “Dance like nobody’s watching.” That spoke to Megan sooo much that she got it tatted. It’s also a mantra that the couple lives by, and one of their favorite hobbies when they have days off (for Megan from being a hot milf and a cult queer icon, for Machine Gun from time in the stu’ making music that’s somehow really popular even though no one’s ever heard it) is to go on a shrooms trip in the woods and dance to Machine Gun’s “Bloody Valentine” and the soundtrack of Jennifer’s Body. Another thing the couple loves to do is to just breathe in each other’s mouths and exchange souls while watching chick flicks. Here are their top 5 relaxation tips:

  1. Don’t just “smoke” the weed, become it. It’s easier than it looks.

  2. Whenever you’re bored, just get more tattoos. Everyone knows stress comes from being able to see your own body!

  3. Come up with a list of creative nicknames for your significant other like “Buddha” or “Lost Boy Heartbreaker Baby Violence Lovebug Chaos Demon of the Blade” to use in instagram captions on your future anniversaries.

  4. Have sex in the bathroom at GQ after your viral interview gets recorded.

  5. Meditate on the fact that it’s okay if your girlfriend is a million bajillion times hotter than you are! Everybody looks a little weird, right?











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