by Reggie Goudeau
[originally published May 9, 2022]
Have you ever wanted to eat a cookie and see the world differently? Thought about dashing to the store for a drink after eating a brownie? Perhaps you’ve craved a pie that would make you breathe fire? Maybe you were just hungry?
If any of these average scenarios apply to you, then you gotta head on down to Makayla’s Bomb-Ass Bakery!
Here at Makayla’s Bomb-Ass Bakery, every treat has something unique to make your day-to-day life at Oberlin easier. If you’ve ever been studying in Mudd and dreading anyone perceiving you, then an invisibility muffin (cinnamon or vanilla) may be what you need! Wanna have your professor count your presence for attendance and then answer no questions? Eat an invisibility muffin and revamp your classroom experience! They’re also great for hooking up on more wacky locations for the next Oberlin Confessions Page to repost.
Maybe you have a 9:00 am that you just can’t seem to ever get to on time? I know I gotta do better, and one of Makayla’s blitz brownies will do the trick. Eating one will make you twice as fast and alert for 15 minutes. They’re like one of those coffee shots from Decafe, except a brownie, decaffeinated, and not +2 Flex Points. I don’t recommend eating multiple of these at once for your health, but it's way better than tweaking off two or three coffees.
Their sneaky snickerdoodle cookies give you night vision, so bringing some of these out will be great if you’re up to some late-night debauchery with friends. I recommend using them in tandem with the blitz brownies for some night parkour that the cops can’t stop. After all, how you finna catch up to people running at the speed of a car jumping from building to building? A nigga like me would quit the day I saw that shit.
The heated cherry hand pies make you breathe fire, and they’re one of my personal favorites. I eat em when I feel like being in my dragon era for draggin fuck niggas. You can also eat a small bite and turn yourself into a quick lighter. I’d also like to take this moment to remind everyone Oberlin College is a tobacco-free campus, and the Bomb-Ass Bakery takes no responsibility for what you may do with our products.
Finally, Makayla’s cheat cake lets you see the future and comes in chocolate, vanilla, and red velvet. Wanna see the consequences of going to Long Island Night the night before your midterm? Have a slice of cheat cake with your drink of choice. Maybe you haven’t found out why you’re in college? The cheat cake will save you all the trouble of experimenting and having that pesky character development.
I almost forgot, but all of Makayla’s food is gluten and dairy-free, and they can attempt vegan stuff upon request. The powers are lit and everything, but I gotta advertise what really matters.
If you tryna get in on some of the goodies, Makayla’s Twitter handle is @OB_Bakery, and their Instagram is o.b.bakery. Hit them or me up if you wanna try some of their many tasty treats and gain a new superpower.
Disclaimer: Makayla’s actual food won’t give you superpowers, but it's very delicious, and I recommend it regardless.