by Juli Freedman
Bad Habits Editor
art by Eleanore Winchell
[originally published March 11, 2022]
Ahhh high school what a time. You meet your friends who let you barf up Fireball in the bathroom all alone. You meet that teacher that changes your life and then sends a flirty Facebook message after you graduate. And for those of us that are reeeeally lucky. . . you meet the love of your life. And you can’t just throw that all in the trash just because you wanna screw a few college boys (who, yes, will get way too much joy from choking you)?!? You say goodbye to the days of physical touch and hello to the days of fighting with your no-aspiration-in-life-gamer-boyfriend Wyatt in the Barrows kitchen at 3am. And how do I know all about this? Well if you are deep into the Juli lore you would know that I have had not one, but two, long distance relationships (LDRs) while here at Oberlin. I actually loved being in them because I despised hanging out with my boyfriends, who knew it was a gay thing? So as our resident LDR expert, I wanted to find out how the kids are making it work these days! I interviewed one lucky freshman on the very first day of orientation and then met back up with her after Winter Term to answer the age-old questions: Does this whole love thing work? And if it does work are you both still good people? And how much do you like being around your boyfriend who doesn’t care for any of your passions and is just kinda annoying and gross?
Malia McDonald is a first-year intended biology major from the Bay Area, California. She met her boo Chris “Lil Cranky” Cringle when they were cast as the leads in their high school’s take on Our Town. They kept their love a secret for the sake of the theater arts, but once their drama teacher caught them 69ing in pioneer garb, they knew they couldn’t keep it hidden any longer. Malia and Lil Cranky applied to Oberlin together, but while Malia was welcomed home with a big package, Lil Cranky was left in the dust with a measly rejection letter. It was then they decided to make it work.
JULI FREEDMAN: Malia McDonald!
MALIA MCDONALD: Hello Juli! What A beautiful day it is outside!
JF: Is it okay if I start off with some questions about your long distance relationship?
MM: Go right ahead!
JF: So how long have you guys been together?
MM: Well we started dating junior year of high school so, it's going to be almost 2 years in a couple months!
MM: Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Too bad you couldn’t have stuck it out, you must have been really weak and not in true love like I have been.
JF: Cool! How have things been going since getting here?
MM: I mean I miss my little tiger but we text and call all the time. Oh my god, speaking of! He’s calling right now, I’m gonna pick up.
JF: Oh okay
MM: Hey soulmate! [. . .] yes i love you too. What am I wearing!?! You naughty boy! I’m wearing exactly what you picked out for me. I love when boys pick out my outfit especially when they have no taste! Mhm yeah ! Oh yeah! Yeah Im cumming right now. No I promise. The sound of you chewing makes me sooooo wet
JF: Should I leave?
MM: Yeah talk to you in a few months i guess!
JF: Malia! Malia!
MM: Hey Juli!
JF: I wanted to catch up from our last conversation. How are things with you and Lil Cranky going?
MM: Oh that’s long over
JF: Really? Aw, I thought you guys were soulmates!
MM: Stupid Juli you cant meet your soulmate in high school. It was honestly so embarrassing that you stayed in LDRs for two years. Cringe alert!
JF: So have you given up on love?
MM: Oh no not at all. So sure you can’t meet your soulmate in high school, but you totally can in your Intro to Comparative Lit class at Oberlin College!
JF: So you have a new bae?
MM: Big time. See as a freshman, I am such a hot commodity. Barely legal. It sucks that for your freshman year your LDR was monogamous so your 18 year old body, or as we all know it as your prime, was wasted by not banging like a wild bird. So I tasted everything from harkies to townies until I found the one.
JF: That’s pretty neat. Tell me more about him!
MM: Well since it is obvious that you want to steal him, I just want to say that he is madly in love with me and I am madly in love with him. His long body is like a worm. His voice is also very worm-like. He only wears black t-shirts and you can see every single one of his dandruff flakes on it. Oh god it’s so hot. He is so good at fucking. He may only be 19, but he fucks like he’s 20. I’m his Brookline Baby and not you, not the world, and not his positive COVID test, could keep us apart!
JF: Oh shit he has COVID MM: Some would say the most infectious disease of all is jealousy and honey. . .you reek.
JF: This was such a great interview!
So no, long distance may not make you a good person, but short distance can also make you evil. And some people will just live alone for the rest of their lives and it could be you and that’s okay!