by the Super Legit ExCo Overlords
[originally published March 11, 2022]
Ever tried to prepare a nice blunt after class but accidentally ripped it? Maybe you’ve been looking for a new bong, but don’t know the best place to shop/what material it should use. If any of this sounds like you, please join SmoCo! We teach plenty of stoner norms from giving rolling workshops, to finding a perfect ratio of weed for packing bowls. We also have a mandatory smoke session once a month, but you can bring your own smoking material for COVID safety.
Everyone loves those two bantering blokes from Manchester! But did you know Liam takes his coffee with two creams and a tablespoon of vinegar? In this ExCo, we will learn all about the personal lives of the captivating Gallaghers, and about their acrimonious fraternal relationship. The final assignment will be flying to England and following one of them around all day with binoculars, attempting to gather some new intel of our own. (Some of you will have to take one for the team and follow Noel; we can’t all follow Liam.)
Nooooo not that one you little true crime whore! This course is on America’s favorite TV dad Al Bundy! You know, from King of Queens. He plays Jay on Modern Family now. Some would say he is the KING of Queens. The critics over at Wikipedia rave over this “misanthropic, working-class father of two who is portrayed as a somewhat tragicomedic figure.” Every week we will watch this show because I have never seen it.
Hey guys I’m Simon. Ah don’t look at me! I’m a pretty shy guy. I like collect coins, I know it’s stupid, but I don’t know, it is stupid, you think it’s really stupid right? Oh you think it’s cool? Pshh you must be lying. Oh you think I’m the most handsome boy at this school?!? Stop it! I know you’re teasing me because no girl would ever say that, especially when Toby McDonald goes here. Oh he’s so cool. All the girls love him. I bet he would never collect even a single coin. Take it back! You don’t love me! I’m sorry. It’s just I get so worked up about this stuff I become a huge jerk. I just never thought a girl would be interested in little ol’ me. But if you like me, and like really like like me, pinch me because I feel like I’m dreaming. Maybe we can go for a drive in my dad’s Toyota Yaris sometime…
In this course, taught by Mary of Miss Mary’s Charm School for Naughty Girls, one will transform from an ugly grotesque un-ladylike caterpillar into a polite beautiful woman butterfly. Classmates will learn skills such as how to properly set a dinner table, dress modestly, and hold in their farts. Meetings will be held in the great Oberlin Dinner and Dance Hall, and clothes that can hold your fart-filled balloon body will be provided. We ask students to not bring any sharp objects and ladies will become so full of farts even one tiny scrape can leak months worth of old farts. But don’t worry, we will be conducting regular check-ups to make sure none of the older farts have fossilized in the stomach of our promising princesses. This course will conclude in one royal ball to introduce our ladies to high society (if they do not explode).
Are you tired of all this “femmeboy” bullshit? Do you feel emasculated by your new mullet? Here at liberal arts college you might be in danger of getting turned into a little fairy princess after one too many Euphoria and wine nights with the girls. Rip out that dumb little dangly earring your girlfriend gave you, take off that nail polish, and join MANCO! What do we do, you ask? We’re just a buncha dudes who wanna let loose, and we do everything from smashing shit that didn’t get sold at Empty Mugs to Jackass movie marathons to scratching our friends at LadyCo to get some of the farts out so that we can light them on FIRE to playing Call of Duty allll night long!! We also have our own co-op where we only eat raw meat and listen to Steely Dan and KISS (the band–we would never kiss each other). Only requirement to join is that you can’t own a bed frame. Meets in Wilder 211.
I’ve put up posters all over campus but none of you fuckers ever listen so here we are. Join this ExCo and you’ll be a part of my band. It’s gonna be a cosmic mix of Arctic Monkeys, Tame Impala and Car Seat Headrest, I know you guys love that shit so please just join the fucking band and ease my misery, if you don’t it’ll just be me on bass and my dad on drums and I swear I’m gonna go reverse Oedipus on his ass.
You’ve heard of close-up magic, now get ready for far-away magic! In this ExCo, pupils will learn to stun audiences with card tricks and disappearing coins from distances of 10 feet, 25 feet, and 50 feet! This storied form of magic utilizes absolutely no audience participation, and requires no skill whatsoever because the audience truly cannot see shit.
Perfect for aspiring pre-meds, this is the ONLY ExCo where all students get the opportunity to look at my moles and tell me if you think I should be worried about them.