by Jamie Kissel
art by Shay Rutkowski
[originally published July 2021]
Four years after she lost the general election in 2016, we’re all wondering, is there a way Hillary can still win?
As it turns out, there are several ways she can...
Grappling in Summer Olympics Judo - As we all know the summer Olympics are fast approaching, so for Hillary to win, she’ll have to hit the Dojo ASAP. If she spends every waking moment practicing, she’ll have a chance against the Olympic athletes who have spent their whole lives preparing for this one event. She could use her vast influence to sabotage the competition. Some expired fish or light radiation poisoning should do the trick. After a month of intense practicing, and going up against less than top shape opponents she definitely has a chance at winning this year’s Olympic Judo.
Hogging it Down at Peter’s Clam Eating Challenge, Island Park NY - For this age-old tradition all Hillary has to do is survive three rounds eating raw clams in the hot sun, while competing against 99 others who have also turned their backs on god. The current record is 26 dozen clams, so all Hillary has to do is eat 313 clams in six minutes. With a month to spare, she has plenty of time to practice cramming her gullet with slimy shellfish.
Out Flipping the Competition in President Ambar’s Tire Flipping Contest - After winning Olympic Judo, this should be one of the easiest on the list. The most complicated part would be enrolling in Oberlin. With a few forged documents, she could easily enroll for the semester. However, to maintain the facade of being a college student, she’ll need to update her wardrobe and undergo a total face transplant. For clothing, I’d suggest she picks up some Chacos and anything that screams “I’m ashamed of the wealth my dad made profiting off the 2008 financial crash.”
Performing a Record Time in Minecraft Speedrunning - With times really tightening up in the past few months, getting into Minecraft speedrunning is harder than ever. However, with 12 hours a day of practice, she could easily make it into the top 100 by the end of the year. All she has to do is load up a new world, collect wood, craft some tools, find a village, break some hay bales and beds (this will be important later), kill an iron golem, craft a bucket, find a lava pool, build a nether portal, go to the nether, locate a nether fortress, kill some blazes and endermen, craft eyes of ender, then find a stronghold, go to the end, and kill the ender dragon with the beds. You got this girl!
Winning a Grammy - Hillary has a lot of talents, but music isn’t typically one you’d think of. While it’s unclear what musical talent she has, her best shot of winning a Grammy is hopping on a Lil Nas X song. A simple few bar feature would technically qualify her and is her best bet for musical stardom. I’ve even started it for her: “All so focused on my emails, forget I’m the most accomplished female in the history of politics. Yeah, I won the lawsuit, I wear pantsuits, no lipstick.”
Entering the Eastwood Elementary School’s Annual Spelling Bee - Hillary will definitely come into this spelling bee with an edge. However recent reports show that 5th grader Natalie Dunn has been studying Latin roots with her mom, making the competition sharp. The English language has 171,146 words, meaning Hillary only has to memorize about 1,000 words a day before January first rolls around.
Bombarding the New Yorker Caption Contest - Even feminist icons have to admit their faults-- Hillary does not have the comedic chops to win any joke writing contests. Luckily the New Yorker captions are not funny. If once a week, Hillary sits down to write out 25 almost clever sentences, she’ll have submitted 13,000 by the end of the year, and by the law of large numbers, she should be published in no time!
Executing A Hostile Coup of the American Government - Hillary Clinton is a woman with a lot of influence, and that definitely puts her at an advantage when it comes to carrying out a successful coup of the American government. Using her network and media outreach, she can start by planting seeds of distrust in the current Biden-Harris government. After ensuring a good portion of the media and general population are on her side, she can begin to curry favor with the military. Aiming for current Lieutenant generals who want more power would be a good strategy. By finding commanders with the most loyal soldiers, she can ensure their loyalty to her when the time comes. She should then begin a positive campaign setting herself up as the only solution to the problems occurring in the Democratic Party. By making herself seem hip and relatable, she can get the youth vote, a strong block in her 2016 primary run. From there she can begin her coup proper, leading her fanatical followers against the current president. Though it will be a bloody conflict, this is truly the final way Hillary can be the president we all want her to be. Pokémon go commit treason girl!
We’re STILL with her!