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Have I Mentioned How High My Bed Is Now

by Isabel Hardwig

Bad Habits editor

Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there! It’s just that I’ve gotten so used to looking down that my neck automatically cranes no matter where I am. It can’t be helped. I’m usually much higher off the ground than this. If you’d seen my bed, you would understand. Have I mentioned how high my bed is this year?

People think I come by high bed naturally, but it isn’t true. I worked for high bed. I bled for high bed. I had to find my friend Rose’s dad who brought a hammer to move-in. Let’s not forget that I have earned high bed, and the rewards of high bed have been a long time coming. Shall we review?

A Brief History of High Bed

Last year, you might remember, my bed was also pretty high. Not like this, of course, I think this is uncharted territory for us both. But no slouch in the height department, for sure, and it’s not like you could ever just hop into my bed. You had to climb up the side, reflecting on your sins, before bed could welcome you.

Some would say I have been in training for high bed since the very beginning. You’re too kind! It’s true that in eleventh grade my bed was high enough for a whole desk to live under there, and I divided my time between the Under Place (dark, damp, covered in chemistry worksheets) and the Over Place (rapturous, pillowed, a life as simple and joyous as a mountain goat’s).

Despite all of this, I am so shy and humble about the height of my bed. “Yeah, it just made sense,” I say. “I don’t know how we would’ve fit the fridge in here otherwise. My bed had all this lofting space, it just seemed like the right thing to do.” As if high bed is something I just stumbled into, and not a path assigned to me by God.

Some Facts About High Bed

Demons cannot touch me in my sleep; they simply stand at the base and wail.

My desk is always neat, because it is necessary to aid my bed ascension. Although intimately connected, these are often perceived as separate virtues.

I live in a different world than you. It is not a worse or better world, it is just distinct, set apart from the little floor-lives down below.

In my dreams I am atop Mt. Kilimanjaro, or perhaps in space.

Frequently Asked Questions About High Bed

Can you get into it when you’re drunk/high?

Yes, and I am so good at it and so quiet and I think loving thoughts about my bed and its height the whole time.

Where do you keep your phone?

It doesn’t matter. Can’t you see? The material world has no bearing up here.

What do you do if your blanket falls off in the middle of the night?

I suffer. We have all forgotten how to suffer. The world is not always kind–even in bed, the world is not always kind. It is important to understand this. If you don’t understand it yet, then maybe you should lower your bed a few notches. Your time will come; it just isn’t here yet.

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