HALLOWEEN MOVIES, REVIEWED

by Isabel Hardwig


art by Averlly Sheltraw

[originally published October 2021]

 

Get your creep on!


HALLOWEEN 14: IT’S HALLOWEEN AGAIN

Really, really enjoyed the bit where Michael Myers takes off his mask and it turns out that he’s been played by Ted Dansen the entire time and he’s like “rah!” and sort of flirtatiously whips a dishcloth at Jamie Lee Curtis, who is both confused and a little delighted. Other than that, eh.


THE HOUSE THAT ATE THINGS

Profound exploration of queer longing and how, if you put a goldfish in a swimming pool, it will grow to the size of that swimming pool. Fun for the whole family.


CHUTES

Premiered in 2004, this cult classic pushes five strangers into a game of Chutes and Ladders with deadly consequences, overseen by a homicidal puppetmaster. Six tasteful nip slips, three disgusting nip slips, one baffling six-minute scene in which all of the characters argue about the best track on the Eagles album The Long Run. Would watch again.



THE SHRIEK

First watched this in 2015 with my older brother and all his cool lesbian friends, who were very nice about me eating all the M&M’s and interrogating each of them in turn about what they thought of my sneakers. I don’t remember much of it other than the ghost crocodile rodeo which was, of course, immediately followed by the infamous watersports scene.


AUSTRALIAN GHOST HAUNTING YOU

Pretty much does what it says on the tin.


CLUES

Director Alan Taint made it almost all the way through this whimsical adaptation of the board game Clue before being told that someone else had already done that, as evidenced by the characters’ agreement at the ninety-minute mark that murder is boring and nobody cares about it, followed by a unanimous group decision to go to a waterpark instead.


DEMON BLOODBATH

Was told by my tenth-grade girlfriend that it was “super scary” and “had Sigourney Weaver,” only to discover that it was actually a taping of her most recent slam poetry performance.


TED LASSO SEASON 3

I only watch that show for Hannah Waddingham’s arms, so once they got torn off by the chainsaw, it really lost its shine for me. Still devoted to the Roy/Keeley storyline, and enjoyed watching the Knife Soccer episode.


AXE CLOWNS RISE AGAIN

Profound exploration of queer longing and how, if you think that you can avoid a gang of 20+ murderous clowns by hiding in a vehicle that they couldn’t possibly all fit inside, you’ve got another thing coming.


INFESTATION 2

Too many mice, not enough rats. I’m a rat girl.





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