Halloween Candies, Ranked by Moral Purity

by Isabel Hardwig

Bad Habits Editor

 

1. Junior Mints, obviously. Nothing feels more virtuous than a handful of Junior Mints. Between the name, which gives strong vibes of “I was such a good boy during Mother’s book club and now I get a little treat,” and the gentle toothpaste flavor, you know that this is the candy that will finally get you into heaven.


2. Backpack chewing gum. In high school, I believed that moral purity started and ended with having a little pack of chewing gum in the front or side pocket of your backpack. This simple act opens the door to a host of other virtues, such as consistently using a planner and owning 16-22 colored gel pens. In early adolescence, I found myself unable to chew one piece all through the school day, and was forever labeled as a weak-willed pansy spitter girl, but that’s my burden to bear.


3. M&Ms, in descending order: regular, peanut, pretzel, peanut butter. Plato claimed that the circle is the purest and most ideal form, nigh-unattainable in the physical world, until he had his first M&M and said, “it’s attainable now, guys, I’m attaining the shit out of this thing.”


4. Chocolate-covered fruit/nuts/whatever. Special mention goes out to almonds, coffee beans, and acai seeds (big hit with drunk aunts).


5. Charmingly off-brand candies with names such as “Mr. Al’s All-Organic Sugar Slop Bit,” “Famous Gummed Bears By Baby Smile Inc.,” and “Trader Joe Peanut Butter Thang.”


6. Square of dark chocolate, because at this point you’re trying too hard and everyone knows it.


7. Skittles. Wretched evil twin of the M&M, filled with asbestos dust.


8. Laffy Taffy’s. Perhaps the warmest, dampest candy known to man. Impossible to unwrap, meaning that you will either go through the day with the telltale smudge of Laffy Taffy on your hands, or you’ll end up eating some of the wrapper like the animal you are.


9. The Tootsie Rolls that are just one huge brick of Tootsie Roll. This candy was created through hubris, and is consumed through hubris. Slightly too large to eat all at once, slightly too small to ever remember that it’s too large to eat all at once. The candy for people who looked at the petite, charming Tootsie Roll and thought, “What if it was the size of an SAT standard eraser?” The big brick Tootsie Roll leeches pure immorality into your bloodstream with every bite, and that’s a Tootsie Roll promise.


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