by Isabel Hardwig
art by Adam Wise
[originally published June 3, 2022]
Lots of trolls love riddles and are really good at giving them. I couldn’t find any of those guys, but I’m sure that Grog’s riddles will be great, too.
Q: You meet my two brothers in front of some doors. One of them only tells the truth, and the other only tells lies. How do you get them to give back the 20 bucks they owe me?
A: Beat them up
Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Pretty sure it’s my name (Grog), but it’s not like I was gonna read the WHOLE dictionary for ONE riddle.
Q: What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries you off because it’s a towel?
A: A tow–FUCK, I didn’t do that one right. I didn’t say it right. Can I have a do-over? God fucking dammit. Mom was right about me.
Q: A man rode into town on Monday and then he stayed for three days and then he rode out on Monday, too, what’s up with that?
A: He rode into Three-Day-Week Town. This is a lesson to always ask the name of the town when someone’s telling you a riddle or else you’ll look like a stupid idiot with a face full of farts.
Q: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the middle of the day, and three legs at night?
A: I don’t know but I would stay the hell away from that guy!! Freaky leg sitch going on here.
Q: How many eggs do you have to break to make an omelet?
A: It depends on what size omelet you want but definitely at least two, unless you want a little baby omelet, but that can be fun too if that’s the kind of thing you like. If you’re making omelets can I please have mulch in mine.
Q: Rich men want it, poor men have it, and if you eat it you die. What is it?
A: Hey can you make me a new omelet, there was wayyyy too much mulch in the last one. I want a normal amount of mulch please.
Q: What has 13 hearts and no other organs?
A: An octopus, I think. I think I read that somewhere.
Q: One of my brothers is telling you that he never borrowed 20 bucks from me, but I don’t remember if it’s the one who always tells the truth or the one who always lies because they kind of look the same to me. How do you tell?
A: It’s OBVIOUSLY the liar, because you DID take 20 bucks from me, Mrog. My mom is always saying that I should be more like my brothers, but it’s like, they’re trying sooo hard to be quirky, sorry I don’t want just ONE THING to define me for the rest of my life.
Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs and is also a penny?
A: A penny! Wait, fuck. Stupid Grog. Stupid, stupid Grog.
Q: What goes all around the world while staying in just one corner?
A: I know you’re not really here to answer riddles. I know you’re all just laughing at me, looking to see how Grog’s going to fuck up this time, hahahaha let’s see what kind of riddles Dumbfuck Grog comes up with, hahahaha what a loser. Well, you know what, someday I’m going to be king of writing riddles and you’re all going to be sorry you laughed at me. You’re going to line up at my door begging me to give you just one riddle, and I’m not even going to give you a little bit of one. Or I’m going to give you a really really hard one and you’ll be screaming and crying because you can’t figure it out but I won’t give you any hints! I only give hints to people who are NICE TO ME.
Q: How are you going to apologize to Grog for being so mean to him?
A: Well . . . maybe you can come to my birthday party? It’s in July. It’s in a cave. It would mean a lot to me if you came.
Q: What does Grog want for his birthday?
A: One horse to ride and one horse to put in paninis. And maybe another horse to hold down the panini press with his hoof because horses are really strong. Oh, and a panini press.
Q: Will Grog give another riddle to his new best friends?
A: Well . . . okay. Maybe a few more.
Q: Two fathers and two sons are in a car, but there are only three people in the car. How?
A: One of the sons is a robot son.
Q: What is your dad’s phone number?
A: Please please please tell me, I will treat him so good.