by Mahoganywood Austin Spencer Blaine, OC ‘23
Reported on by Kira Mesch
[originally published June 2021]
My name is Mahoganywood Blaine, son of David Blaine. I am a magician, an illusionist, and a performance artist. You may know me from some of my feats around campus, such as Extreme Acapella, in which the Obertones and I were suspended in a glass box from the balcony of Stevenson Dining Hall and performed an 80s hits medley of which I was the soloist. You may know me from the Exco I teach: Illusions for Stupid Fucking Idiots Like You. Perhaps, you know me from my WOBC show: Blaine’s World.
I present to you my most grand trick ever: spending five straight days at the bottom of the Wilder Bowl construction pit without food or water.
My first morning in the pit. I wake to a deep primal urge: I have to use the bathroom. What is an illusionist to do? I am merely human. I drop a dump in the Wilder pit.
I’m getting hungry.
I fall asleep using one of the black tarps in the pit as a blanket. I spoon a blue pipe like a body pillow. I am one with the pit.
I am peeing into empty Decafe grape cups in order to preserve urine specimens from this experiment. I am sure that someday, scientists will want to study my brave endeavor.
I have made a friend: an ant I call Mr. Houdini. He’s very friendly and likes to crawl over my legs and arms.
My bitter rival, Chauncey Augustine Penn-Teller III (Penn and Teller’s adopted son), arrives at the pit to mock me. He asks, “Is it just me, or does it smell like shit down there?” I tell him a man must make do.
I sense a growing kinship between the construction workers and I. We’ve started to have conversations. They say such nice things to me, like: “Hey, you’re not supposed to be here,” and “You’re trespassing on a dangerous construction site,” and “What the fuck, is that human shit?” I’m starting to feel like a part of their group.
Dehydration is starting to get to me. I relieved myself into another empty Decafe grape cup, but without water, my pee has turned brown and viscous.
Mr. Houdini, the ant, looks so so tasty. He’s a friend but maybe he’s crunchy. Maybe he’s tender. His little legs would be so scrumptious.
Have not pooped since the first day.
I eat ant.
The ant came back in my dream last night. Huge insect. Held one of the black pipes along the pit in his legs and smoked it like a joint. He said to me, “Do you want a hit, bro?” I said sure but instead he dropped the pipe leaned down to me and wrapped his big crunchy legs around my neck. Ant strangle me in dream.
I am so sorry Mr. Houdini. I am so so sorry.
Editor’s note: Mahoganywood Austin Spencer Blaine was admitted to Mercy Allen Hospital at 1200 hours at the request of his friend Crisstopher “Topher” Angel Jr. for severe dehydration and hallucinations. When asked for comment, Mr. Blaine says he hopes that his feat will have endeavored to show the real pit: human nature.