by Izzy Halloran
[originally posted April 2021]
1. Pfizer-- Pfizer is not only the sexiest, but also the hottest vaccine. Initially, I placed Pfizer at the top of the list based on pure instinct. It’s something about the sound, the power of “Pf” or perhaps the “z?” I wondered if the rest of the student body shared my Pfizer affinity. A third year who asked to remain nameless told me “If you say Pfizer like three times fast, it almost sounds like f****ing” while another claimed “Pfizer gave me huge tits and a pfat ass.”
There’s an inherent horniness to the Pfizer vaccine. While researching for this article, I uncovered a huge link between Pfizer and sex. Pfizer is the same company that manufactures Viagra, probably the horniest drug on the planet. A drug designed by horny people, for horny people. So it’s only right that this thirsty ass company created the most sensual, the most provocative vaccine. I bet they knew what they were doing...
2. Moderna--One student argues aggressively for Moderna’s sexiness, telling me about how only seconds after she got the Dolly Parton vaccine, nearly ten hot people asked her out. Dolly Parton’s affiliation with Moderna makes it a close second. I’ve also heard it said that Moderna leaves you wanting more because you have to wait so long for the second date (shot…). It takes them about a month to text back, they play hard to get and who doesn’t like a chase?
Additionally, the recipients of the Moderna vaccine are the craziest S.O.B.’s I’ve ever met. They will argue for this vaccine’s superiority so ferociously, so viciously, so cruelly that one of them made me cry. I’ve lost friendships over this. Heartless bastards.
3. Johnson & Johnson--This one has proven to be quite divisive. As Johnson and Johnson is a family-run company, it simply cannot be the sexiest. JnJ is a one and done, a night of passion. It may leave you wanting more, but there are just better options out there! JnJ is the 3-in-1 shampoo, confiditoner, and body wash of vaccines. A cloud of axe body spray who only communicates with you over snapchat.
4. AstraZeneca: Everybody hates this one. Even though it’s being distributed in Europe, which naturally exudes sex appeal, it gives you blood clots and it makes me sad. Need I say more?