[originally published spring 2020]
I would like to perform a citizen's misjob on Jules Laynx. I am neither in Pyle nor technically allowed at Pyle meals anymore, but I do consider myself a citizen of a world in which such cavalier treatment of another human being’s heart has consequences. When Jules played Club Can’t Handle Me, our song, as PIC, I bit my tongue. When she brought a new boy, a “friend” she said, to the corner seat by the bread table, our spot, I said nothing. But when she made a meal that featured pinto beans, which was our bean, I said enough is enough. I can’t get my revenge on Jules in any way that necessitates my being within 100 yards of the Pyle Hobart, but I do possess the power of language. I will now present my case on why Pyle should award Jules a misjob, and thus award me my revenge. Once Jules is misjobbed she will be just two misjobs away from getting a warning email from the DLECs! I am smiling at the very thought—she’ll wish she’d never left me, been born, etc.
I will start with the reasons Jules will never be misjobbed by the established memcos of Pyle: she is proactive, easy to work with, and good at cooking. But I ask you this—do you really want to have your meals made by someone who once told a very nice boy that he “is not what I’m looking for right now”? What If I told you that the boy in question had excellent grades, awesome hair, and knew all of the state capitals and most of the country capitals? What If I told you that he has a driver’s license that he got on the first try, which many people don’t know because he’s too shy to talk about it? She’s always talking to and laughing with some guy named Matt instead of focusing on cooking. What could he possibly be saying that’s that funny? I don’t like him at all.
In conclusion, awarding Jules a misjob is in the best interest of the Co-op. I stand here before you today and I ask you to just let me have this one. I would also love to be considered for the position of Pyle Breadmaker, but I can cover my qualifications for that in a different open letter.