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Breaking: Entire U.S. Women’s Skateboarding Team Comes Out as Straight

by Fionna Farrell

Staff Writer

art by Amelia Connolly

[originally published July 2021]


It is a very important day for the straight community across the world. Today, the USOWST (you really think I’m gonna write the whole thing?) has come out as straight. Yes, you read that correctly: the entire team. Pro skaters Bryce Wettstein, Brighton Zeuner, and Jordyn Barratt all identify as heterosexual women. This means that they are attracted, perhaps, even sexually, to men. Even, somehow, the ones that wear snapbacks with the backsnap. Yeah, Even the ones that look like Travis from Clueless. Indeed we should commend these women for their incredible bravery, and the great poise that they displayed in making this courageous announcement to the world.

The women told the Tmez: “We have something very important that we’d like to tell the world. Something that we really hope the public will be hella chill about.” They then grasped hands and tucked each other’s hair behind their ears in a touching moment of heterosexual unity. Jordyn took a deep breath and said: “I have something to say. I need to be true to myself outside of the pipe. Girls are totally sick but I...I like…” It seems that she was at a loss for words. “Men,” her teammate Brighton chimed in, “In fact, we all like men.” Their hence-unspoken teammate Bryce nodded in affirmation.

Even the interviewer herself, Ms. Nar Lee, could not hide her momentary shock. Fumbling over her words, in a state of clear emotional disarray, she asked the women, “How does it… does it feel to know….straight? In this particular industry? Do you feel like people will shame you for who you are?”

“It would be totally bogus if they did,” Brighton promptly responded. “I feel like there’s such a stigma around heterosexual women in skateboarding. It’s like, if you drink Monster or dress like Shaggy or just happen to use skateboarding as a means to take out your deepest aggressions and fears leftover from unresolved childhood trauma along with the ever-pressing burden of entirely socially-constructed gender all of that makes you gay.” Her teammates nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

“And it would be totally cool if we were gay,” added Jordyn. “We just don’t happen to swing that way. Like, I remember the first time I ever kissed a dude. It honestly felt so magical. The only other time I felt that way was when I did my first ollie. Doesn’t matter that they were both the same day when I was eight.”

“It was the first caballerial for me,” chimed in Bryce. “My homeboy Tyler was so proud of me that he took me into his arms and kissed me. I swear I was so stoked that I almost dropped my wheels right then and there. Good thing I didn’t, because my country needs me”

Unfortunately, there has yet to exist a reverse coming-out Olympics, But if there were, these women would earn at least a bronze for their valiant efforts. In the meantime, let’s wish them the best of luck in that international sports competition thing. Everyone who’s not a poser knows that the path to gold. . . is straight.

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