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Best Dorm Room Snacks

by Juli Freedman

Bad Habits Editor

[originally published October 2021]


Hey Freshies! I hope you are having quite the delicious time in your dorm rooms! When I was a freshman, I walked into Dascomb and heard someone scream “IT SMELLS LIKE DIRTY PUSSY IN HERE.” But that was a long time ago. If you are one of the very small freaky minority of freshmen that are homesick, and longing for the days when you can just ring the grub bell for mama or papa to make you some tuna brulee, then I may just have some tips and tricks for you! And you may ask me, “Juli, but don’t snacks cost money?” And, may I retort, that you my dear are just not thinking hard enough. These snacks are totally free and for the most part okay to ingest. Score!

1. Bedframe

Are you less of a chewer but more of a gnawer? Then let me put you onto your dorm bed frame. Which, no, is not the highest quality of wood, and may not even be wood at all, but it sure as hell tastes like the finest mahogany. Now just be careful not to chew through it too much, you want to retain as much of the bed frame that can carry you throughout the year.

2. Dryer Lint

Or as I like to call it, free cotton candy! This stuff really hits, especially if you wait a while to throw those crusty, filthy, period blood stained sheets in the spinny machines. Is your mouth watering, or are you just excited to see me?

3. Homework

If dogs are truly the taste makers of the world, which is something we all say, then they have really struck gold with this homework eating habit. Now when I say homework, I obviously also mean field trip slips, STD pamphlets, instructions, and legally binding documents. So take the work out of homework, and maybe also the home too, cause this right here is one excellent SNACK!

4. Roomate’s Snacks

Share a room with some fucker? Well it might just be a su casa es mi casa situation! If roomate makes you mad, try some of their cheese puffs! Roommate has annoying guest over? That’s a cheese puff. Roommate is loud on the phone? That’s a cheese puff. Roommate tells you to clean room? Mhm yeah buddy, thats another cheese puff down the gullet! That’s what makes roommate so fun!

5. Matress Pad Foam

Something about this texture is just so exciting. Maybe it's the bounciness or the slight dusty aura that has collected over the years of night piss and sweat, but nothing really compares to the feeling of tearing off the cover and getting right to the foam. That’s my kinda Christmas!

6. Paper Straws

While there is nothing like chomping on a plastic Starbucks straw until it shrivels and shreds, this paper shit is free at Azzie’s, and really not half bad. I'm enjoying some now while I write this! Similar to homework but definitely more socially acceptable. As you can see, I am in Azzie’s and no one better be turning one eye at me and my socially acceptable habit. Better stock up before I get all of them!

7. Window Shades String Cone

Oh boy did I save the best for last. Have your teeth been feeling a little squishy lately? Like a tender headed baby? Well the thing about these treats, is that not only is the plastic delicious, and can last you quite a while, but they will also make your teeth very sharp, similar to a shark’s. Or like mine. I am legally not allowed to kiss because I could maul someone’s face off. My girlfriend is made of pure steel. But baby, I can’t get these gum blades off my window shade string cones!

Can pick one of these or all of them

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