[originally published July 2021]
This is The Oberlin Grape’s third installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or bird sex, feel free to reach out to Dr. Gags through emailing email@example.com
Dear Dr. Gags,
I feel like everyone wants to bone me and I can't juggle it all on top of my extracurriculars. What should I do? How do I have it all?
Oh sweetheart, I know this predicament all too well! Perhaps I can give some insight on what has worked for me in my past affairs. First off--It’s all in the scheduling. In my twenties, thirties, and forties, I would schedule out every minute of my life on my beeper. Every time I heard a beep, it was time to change activities. One beep meant time to go piss, two told me it was time for snack, three meant pour a drink, and four meant go pick up the kids from school. I was a whirlwind of a woman, babycakes. On three beeps, I would pop a bottle of chardonnay and hit the town. My affairs were hot and heavy and extremely brief since I was on a tight, nearly suffocating time crunch. While carrying on my beeper system, I managed to raise 4 rowdy boys who all look the same (they’re feminists), earn my PhD in Coidal Advising, and look like a more Jewish version of Meryl Streep while doing it.
What I’d recommend is you get a beeper.
Dear Dr. Gags,
I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend and I didn’t orgasm at all. He enjoyed it but I felt bored. How do I make it better?
Love, Climax Fury Road
Dearest Climax Fury Road,
Awwww that sucks! My husband makes me cream hecka loads. He loves the little shrill squeal I make when I squirt so hard I project through the ceiling! He says I sound soooo much like his childhood Guinea Pig Coco which only makes me ooze my special jelly even more until the sheets are sopping and muddy. He hates it when I shop at the girl mall but he is like my best friend. And the history teacher at my son’s school. We love to go hunting together and take pictures smiling next to our prey. Ha ha! His hair is brown and his height is tall. I love him. And he looooves to party. And you can’t have him don’t even try bitch! So maybe try a robot instead.
You Wouldn’t even bE his tyPe because he Only Likes to rock ThIs And you Will NeVer Be ME!!!!, Gags