by Dr. Gagatha Creampie
Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist
[originally published April 22, 2022]
This is The Oberlin Grape’s recurring installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or how to position yourself so you can fart into the nostrils while simultaneously pooping into your lover’s mouth, feel free to reach out to Dr. Gags by emailing email@example.com.
Dear Dr. Gags,
I love my boyfriend but his art is terrible and I don't want anyone to see it and judge me. Should I destroy his work? Or blind all of my friends and associates?
Thanks for writing in, sweetcakes. If it’s any consolation to you, I too have dated a healthy amount of idiot male artists. I have found, throughout my decades and decades of dating around (plus my seven years as a Coital Studies major at Lewis & Clark…), that this is an unavoidable problem. When I was lesbian in the 80s and in a 7-year open relationship with Andy Warhol, he often made pieces that embarrassed me greatly. Even so, I stuck by him! Until he made that soup can sh*t. Then I knew I just couldn’t be seen with him anymore. See babeypants, everyone has a breaking point, a dealbreaker. How much are you willing to take? And yes, you could definitely go the route of destroying his life’s work (like I tried with Andy’s), but the fingerprints always lead back to the lover! Try this: next time he’s working on a new project, tell him it’s incredibly ugly and you’re going to leave him if he doesn’t make something beautiful. Worked for me a few times! Good luck.
Dear Dr. Gags,
I recently got back together with my ex and forgave them for accidentally killing my cat on their rollerblades. The problem is now they keep writing poetry about me and posting it on Instagram. They think that their emotional vulnerability is why we got back together but really it's because I was bored and horny. What do I do??
Love, Edgar Allen Ho
Dear Edgar Allen Ho,
Well first off, it was an accident baby! They should be comforting you! Okay now on to the real meat of this bone, you are sad because you’re getting too much attention? Boo hoo! Cry me a river! See you wouldn’t know this because I don’t talk about it ever, like I literally never namedrop, unless it’s at a dinner party, a high school reunion, a shiva, an adult piano recital, or really any place where there are other people breathing or choking, but many songs are actually about me. I am Sharona of “My Sharona.” Delilah of “Hey There Delilah.” Roxanne of “Roxanne.” The sweetest of Carolines. And yeah, Olivia Rodrigo reeeally has it out for this blonde girl who always made her doubt. This is because, yes, I always lie to men because, what, is it illegal now or something? So I mean if being a bored and horny liar sounds like a bad gig, then you are talking to the wrong bitch. So what if you fuck a few one hit wonders, and history books (music blogs) write about you for literal centuries….wait…. Do you hear that? That's the tiniest violin I’m playing. Because, being famous is awesome and has no consequences. This question is such a non-problem, you should really be paying me for wasting my time! Obviously, just cheat and keep cheating until every song I listen to on my bluetooth headphones is about you.