by Dr. Gagatha Creampie
Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist
[originally published March 11, 2022]
This is The Oberlin Grape’s recurring installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or skank-core rave vibes, feel free to reach out to Dr. Gags through emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Dr. Gags,
I started having sex at my partner’s place because my roomate is alwaaaays there. Everything was going good until I saw their hideous cat staring at us during sex. They said she can’t be alone so she has to stay in the room, but I know she wants in. Do I put her down or put down this relationship?
Dear Pussy Patrol,
Have you heard of this little phenomena called “same room sex?” Oh you haven't! Well let me turn you on to something that will also turn you on. Get this little frisky critter her own hunkalicious mate. Really spiky penis. You know, all the works. A few hits of that catnip later and they will be raw-catting it super primal style. Now, while you and your human are going at it, so will the felines! Everybody wins!
Spiky Penis, Dr. Gags
P.S. And hey I’m not implying a swingers situation but if you want to put that litter box together, who am I to stop you?
Dear Dr. Gags,
Hey Doctor, I really need advice on a possible big purchase. Have you ever heard of a s*x swing? I think you connect it to the ceiling and it works like a swing but for intercourse. Do you have any experience with this product? Can you DIY it? Any advice would be helpful!
Dear DIY Sex-Haver,
Oh you sweet little idiot, do you know who you’re talking to? I have been a board-certified sexologist for over 35 years now! I love questions like this so much, it reminds me why I chose to major in Coital Studies my second semester at Lewis and Clark. So yes, I have heard of a sex swing. I have even partaken on occasion. When shopping for a swing, remember to test it out before buying it. I can’t even count how many times I’ve bought a cheap swing and wound up with a hairline fracture in my buttocks and vag. This is a purchase you’re going to want to splurge on!
Dear Dr. Gags,
I just started seeing this hot lesbian who really wants me to commit but the problem is I’m about to go home and I kind of want to kiss my high school boyfriend Mitch who was the quarterback on the football team. Should I Uhaul it with this lesbo or go back to football dick?
— Happy U-Haulidays
Dearest Happy U-Haulidays,
Oh, sweetheart, this is a gorgeous conundrum to be in! I can understand your struggle, as I was such a lesbian for a few years in the 80s. It was a free for all back then. Andy Warhol and I had an open relationship for 7 years. We had sex all over his art about those soup cans. Truthfully, Honeybuns, I think this is a decision you must make yourself. Here’s what I can say: is your lesbian up for an open relationship? Perhaps you two can have a little romantic dinner and check-in about this problem. And I must say, I love the sound of this meathead Mitch, but he seems like a short-term hookup. Why can’t you have both? I juggle dozens of lovers, picking up my kids from school in my minivan, and being a world-renowned sexologist. I am living proof that you can, in fact, have it ALL! Love you my little lesbian <3.
Mwah Mwah Mwah,
Dear Dr. Gags,
I’m thinking of having a baby, is it weird to ask my Econ professor to be the father? Should I ask him in office hours?
—Supply and Pregnand
Dearest Supply and Pregnand,
Baby, you simply are not thinking big enough. Oberlin Econ professor??? He could be major fucked up as we know Oberlin is famous for hiring sickos. Why reach for the stars when you can shoot for the moon? When I was looking for some hot sticky sperm for my third child, Phallucity, I was also thinking of the econ route. The guys are ugly, old, like ancient, but smart with that cash coin if you get what I’m saying. Which is why I went straight to the top. My friend was all like my friend Milton is a big econ guy and once I saw he had a wikipedia I was effin sold. That’s right, there is a McCreampie-Friedman baby roaming this earth. She is weird and not my favorite. But, she’s got biodaddy’s free market capitalism, which if I knew what that meant I would probably think its cool. Right? I’m scared of her.
Well I might have a little left in my freezer if you want.