by Dr. Gagatha Creampie
Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist
[originally published November 2021]
My boyfriend is late to everything. At first, it was cute and endearing. Now, he’s making both of us late and I hate it. How do I fix him?
Hey girlie, great question! Boyfriends are so annoying, I hate all of mine. It seems that you have left the honeymoon phase, and I’m sorry to say, it is most likely all downhill from there. If you insist on making it work, here are a few things to try. First, tell him how you’re feeling. Depending on how he responds, you may want to get a few pairs of those vibrating underpants. When he’s running late, just zap him as a gentle reminder. It’s fun, hot, and effective! If that is still not working, ultimatums are always a healthy and cute way to keep your pathetic boyfriend in line. Say “Honeypie, I’m gonna divorce you if you don’t show up on time.” It’s a true win-win situation; if he shows up on time, you’ve fixed him! And if he continues to be tardy, you just break up with him! Good luck cookie, love you.
Dear Dr. Gags,
I’m meeting my girlfriend’s family for the first time for Thanksgiving and I am so nervous! She says that they might be tough on me and ask a lot of questions. What if they dont like me!?! What do I do to make them like me?
SOS!, Derek B. Quagmire
Dear Derek B. Quagmire,
Well well well if it isn’t my Labiana’s stupid little shit boyfriend writing in for my help. So I guess Labiana didn’t tell you about me! You got one thing right you little punk, I will be asking a lot of questions. For one, according to her chip, Labiana hasn’t climaxed from your performance of cunnilingus EVER! Cunnilingus is one of the biggest family values in our house. Before we put that bird in the oven, it is a McCreampie-Johnson tradition to pleasure the turkey to completion. We all take turns and whoever makes the bird spasm with glee, gets the favor returned. It adds a really nutty flavor to the stuffing. I don’t know if Labiana has told you this but when she was still incubating before hatch day we engineered her to have an extra sensitive clitoris. And boy when it came to the title of Miss Teen Squirter 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2018 were we so goddamn proud of our baby girl. So if you can’t even make Labiana girl-cum, then you will really embarrass yourself when it comes to the beautiful, bountiful, bodacious bird.
So Derek, what is it that you do to make my precious little pumpkin so happy? Was it when you never asked how she was feeling after her pomeranian died? NO! Is it when you showed up late, didn’t buy her nice corsage for the prom and didn’t tell her she looked beautiful in her Tardis dress? NO!! Or was it when you forgot her birthday and then were on snapmaps with some crusty dusty pussy ass bitch Kayleigh? NO!!!!!!
It’s over Derek. Don’t even think about dragging your gunky trail of smegma to my quaint little Cleveland abode you Jake Gyllenhaal motherfucker!
Choke on a Chode! , Mother-in-HELL Dr. Gags <3