by Dr. Gagatha Creampie
Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist
[originally published October 2021]
This is The Oberlin Grape’s second installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or belly button jobs, feel free ot reach out to Dr. Gags through emailing email@example.com
Dear Dr. Gags,
Help! I’m a first year and all the hot seniors are MIA. I think they’re sequestered in their off campus houses having exclusive wine soirée orgies. Where do I find them? When will I be able to fantasize about them from afar?
Hello little precious baby angel first year. I can tell you are new here because you are under an Oberlin spell. I’ve walked around this campus, entered the dorms where you slumber, went to the library and read all the books about ancient forms of torture, and yes, if you third years can remember, I was your keynote speaker at SOAR. So you can say I have been around these streetcorners for quite a while. I have even attended one of these super legit wine soirée orgies you so crave. And let me tell you the truth, these seniors, they don’t know the first thing about love humpin. These guys are wrecks, and if you really look at them for even a second too long, they start to look all fugly and freaky like that mucus family from that commercial. Oh so you just got here and all of a sudden you are entranced by boy in earring or girl in pants, well honey, bad news here, that Creative Writing degree won’t pay the bills OR make your clit implode. You want a strong sturdy partner, much like the head squeezing contraption of the 1700s that was used on unwed mothers. Someone who protects you like the Electrical Cage used on orphan panhandlers of the Industrial Revolution. Someone who does not go here like the Wyoming Urethra Expander used on theater masturbators up until last year. Hope this helps so so much!
Dear Dr. Gagatha,
I’ve been dating my partner for about a month now, and it’s going pretty well. The only issue in our relationship is that she is constantly lying and I can't tell what’s a bit and what’s real life anymore. Send help!
What's With Women These Days
Dearest What's With Women These Days,
Now this is an excellent question we do not address enough in society; what to do when you’re not funny, cute, or hot enough to keep up the bit. This is a normal problem to have, my little idiot. I cannot even tell you how many partners I’ve had in the past that were nowhere near my intellectual level. Dozens! Maybe even hundreds. You have a few ways you could approach this predicament. Number 1: Start lying all the time as well so neither of you are ever telling the truth. It’ll be like you’re living in a shared delusion! Very fun. Many of the couples I advise at Oberlin are actively using this strategy. Or number 2: Enroll in one of my classes , “101 Ways to Keep Up With Your Funnier, Hotter Girlfriend.” The waiting list is extensive, but I would happily add you to it. Well, I’ve given you loads to think about. Why don’t you sleep on it and get back to me in next week’s issue? Kisses, dumb dumb.