by Dr. Gagatha Creampie
Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist
[originally published October 2021]
Dear Dr. Gags,
I can’t tell if my girlfriend doesn’t like me anymore or I just have depression, how do you tell which one???
-Depress-on My Dick
Dearest Depress-on My Dick,
Oh honey, this is a tough one. Seeing as I have never felt even a hint of sadness in my life, it is hard for me to relate to your unappealing struggle. See, I view depression as a wasted emotion. That’s why they invented wine! My best advice would be to sit her down with a heaping glass of red, put on some Tegan and Sara, and tell it to her straight. I know it can be scary, but being direct is the best thing you can do, babycakes. It’s like I always tell my 4 rowdy boys who all look the same (they’re feminists), don’t be afraid to be a stone-cold b*tch! My mother was a stone-cold b*tch, her mother was, and her mother’s mother was. This world wouldn’t get anywhere without us. Anyways, you can always have sex with yourself. It is quite often more enjoyable. Till next time.
Dear Dr. Gags,
I accidentally ran over my partner’s cat on roller blades and now she wants to adopt a new cat together but I don’t feel ready for the commitment. Help!
-Feels on Wheels
Dear Feels on Wheels,
Girl, have I been in your rollerblades before! And many, many, many times. In my experience, getting a pet together can very rarely be the key to fix a broken relationship. But you know what really works? A baby! See dogs and cats or whatever, those things can be expensive. Between the barrels of feed, the ketamine, and the new rollerblades, you are running a pretty tight budget for about 50-60 years. But for a baby, fssshhh, that thing basically takes care of its goddamn self! Now to catch a baby, that may seem a bit challenging, and it can be, but it is also a couples activity! I mean they do it on The Bachelor all the time. Maybe while you are on the baby hunt, you could also play games like 21 Questions or Tire Slash. I know all of my rescue babies have brought such immense meaning and joy to me and my really fucking sexy flaming hot hunk of a husband. So try it out! Because you know what they say about babies. . . why not!?