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Ask Dr. Gags Vol. 12

by Dr. Gagatha Creampie

Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist

[originally published June 3, 2022]


This is The Oberlin Grape’s latest and possibly last installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or just getting over your fear of intimacy right before you graduate college, feel free to reach out to Dr. Gags by emailing


Dear Dr. Gags,

Thx for all your awesome and graphic advice this semester, it really helped me diversify my sex life. I have one more question for you before we all leave for the summer, and it’s a doozy. So I’m about to graduate in a few days, and I applied for Fulbright for next year. I just realized, while looking over my application, that I accidentally uploaded a nude to the folder I sent them. The weird part is, I got the Fulbright, with the nude included. Should I say something? Did I get the Fullbright because of my hot body??? Help!



Dearest Nudescholar,

Good lord, babycakes! You have surely gotten yourself into a predicament. My first piece of advice is to have a good laugh about your misfortune. When you really think about it…life is about laughing, drinking, smoking weed, maxing out your fifth husbands credit card, and looking good while doing it! After you have a good chuckle, then you can look at the problem more seriously. While I understand where you are coming from, I think you should take full advantage of your nude body! Sometimes you have to use your big gorgeous tits to your advantage, and that’s just life bebes. Don’t waste time wondering whether your honkers got you the Fullbright, spend time being a hot and successful academic. My final slice of advice would be to keep that pretty little mouth shut! Try worrying about something else perhaps. Personally, I worry about remembering to pick up my 5 boy children, Smacky M.C. Sucker, Phalluscity, Ugly Rugly, Meatball, and Gags JR from school every day! At the end of the day, you should put it all in perspective! Use those perky tits while you still can. <3

Love and a few mouth kisses,

Dr. Gagatha


Dear Dr. Gags,

Huge fan here! I read all your books like the Bible. I’m graduating this year and moving to the big city. How do I navigate hookup culture if it is not just “let me walk on over at midnight all by myself to your South divided double for a PBR and some dry humping and never speak to you again” anymore? What is it like out there in the real world?

Love you forever,

Big Crapple

Dear Big Crapple,

First off, this fan behavior is scaring me, you will be hearing from my lawyers about a restraining order. But to get to your question, this campus is particularly sexless and fugly. I have been a visiting professor at pretty much every college in the nation and I can say without a doubt you guys definitely rank dead last in sex appeal. So my Obie, you have a lot to catch up on. The rest of your peers outside of here will be doing some gymnast shit you have never seen and they will expect you to also know how to cram inside a tiny coffin and take it from the side. You should read up on the following positions: The Key Hole (unlock hole with an assortment of keys), The Cheeseburger Surprise (rub your buns and meat together until you make cheese), The Happy Baby (take a raw bite of their flesh), The Superspeader (purposeful COVID exchange), The Robbery (go through the front door, back door, and window), The Chainsmokers (shove bluetooth speaker into hole and blast “Closer”), The Chamber of Secrets (whisper secrets into the hole), and The Senior Class Yacht Party (don’t come). Also ask yourself how far your legs can go behind your head? How many fists can you shove in your mouth? How fast can you chuck your own shit? If you don’t know these, you are basically useless in the real world. Good luck virgin!

Tongue Down Your Throat,


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