by Dr. Gagatha McCreampie
[originally published June 2021]
Dr. Gagatha McCreampie is the world-renowned sexologist, author of Is My Discharge Supposed To Smell Like That and Other Questions, co-host of the podcast “Sometimes I Grow Mold Down There, The Fuzzy Kind” with Dr. HowieMandel O’Blowjob, and mother of four boys that all look the same. This is her first installment of Ask Dr. Gags, and hopefully the first of many! Take it away queen!
Dear Dr. Gags,
I (20M) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for 2 years now. We have had sex plenty of times, and I know how to do it by now. But lately I’ve been doing all the work in bed and I’m tired and my back hurts a lot. I fear I’m boring her Doc. What should I do?
2 Tired 2 Thrust
Dearest 2 Tired 2 Thrust,
You did the right thing by writing to Dr. Gags, dear boy. Though I have never found myself in a predicament like yours (people tell me I’m a firecracker in the sack…), I can see how that must be frustrating for you.
You might want to purchase my New York Times Bestselling book “Dr. Gagatha McCreampie’s Guide to Love-Making.” The best advice I can give you is to try some roleplaying, make love-making into an adventure, a conquest. She’s the princess locked away in a tower guarded by a fire breathing dragon, and you’re a mere ogre, who just wants people to evacuate his swamp!
Let this motivate you on your journey, maybe even bring in a third to play the sidekick (for comic relief). Or perhaps a scenario in which you promised your first born child to a witch because you were stealing food from her magic garden to feed your starving pregnant wife and she threatened your life. And then you, your pregnant wife, and the slutty witch have a threesome. Just realizing these are all threesome related scenarios...I think MY subconscious is trying to tell me something. Well darling, must go do some soul searching. I hope you eventually please your girlfriend.
Dear Dr. Gags,
I (19F) am going to have sex with a millenial. I don’t remember the OJ Trials! Are the 90s anything like Stranger Things??? Help!
Dear Gen Zussy,
Well first as I tell all my patients when they are vulnerable, march on my little slut soldier!
The first time I had sex with a millenial, this was when I was barely legal and still in my fourth year of the sex advice PhD program at Lewis & Clark, it was like sheering a sheep of its wool. Because it was necessary, and it didn’t really hurt that bad for the sheep, which was me, but it was also kind of annoying and also I was naked.
Just like a baby sheep, that you are so young and precious. When conversation stalls, you can always bring up the fact you don't know what a landline is. Or cable. Or The Gulf War. You don’t know Monica Lewinsky as a late night butt of the joke whore bag, your generation praises her as an anti-cyberbullying icon! Embrace it! They will love it! Because they want to sheer you and your tight squishy wet wool. Hope that helps!
P.S. The nineties were exactly like Stranger Things but because I too was raised in a lab and studied for my extraterrestrial powers.
Dearest Babe, Dr. Gags <3
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