by Izzy Halloran
art by Eva Sturm-Gross
[originally published October 2021]
Finally, I’m a senior at Oberlin College and Conservatory. I’ve waited 4 long, stupid years to make this list. Throughout my time at Oberlin, I’ve kept meticulous handwritten notes in the hopes that I could improve even one person’s life. *Stop reading if you are a 3rd or 4th year. KEEP READING IF YOU ARE A FIRST OR SECOND YEAR.*
Okay now that it’s just us, let’s get into it. <3
Smoke weed every day.
Jump off something high to prove you have hops.
Planking. ‘Nuff said.
Make sure to publicly announce your Hogwarts house. Personally, I’m a Hufflepuff.
Say that things are goals when they are epic.
Don’t talk. Just shut up.
Fall onto a giant spike. They’re everywhere if you really look.
When sharing a space with a Senior, show some respect. They know more than you could even imagine.
Shave your legs in Mudd ;)
Talk about cancel culture.
Touch hot stuff when you come upon it.
Start a fistfight...catch a few punches. Or perhaps...throw a few.
Rock a big hat.
Get a massive dorm animal. Like a lion.
Lick the ground to prove something.
Pick an alumna and worship. Here are some popular options: My friend Eva’s mom, Rachel (she’s really fun to talk to), John Greene, and the Paul Brothers (Logan and the other one). Great options!
Fall in love with your therapist. Whoops!
Pantsing. Get pantsed and give pantsed.
Call your professor “O Captain, My Captain.” It’s a Dead Poet Society reference, so everyone will know you’re cultured as hell.
Spill your deepest darkest secrets to a Creative Writing workshop of 20 strangers.