By Ellen Efstathiou
Hey freshmen! You’re the new meat on campus and as a sophisticated 2nd year I’m here to give you some advice so you don’t get eaten alive! I don’t give a shit that this is a month later than what’s helpful. You don’t run this school yet so listen up!
Drop out. There are so many of you. Just think about how long your graduation ceremony is going to take cause you’ve got 900 whatever names to get through. Do yourself and your classmates a favor and drop out. Shorter graduation ceremony means happier people.
Don’t make friends. By now you’ve probably heard that the first friends you make at college aren’t going to last. Get around that problem by never making friends in the first place. Problem solved. You’re welcome.
Download YikYak. It’s great for your mental health and everyone on there is so kind and it won’t make you anxious about others perceiving you at all!!!!!!
Don’t go to the Rat. I don’t want to alarm you, but all the food there is actually made out of rats. And everyone knows, if you eat a rat, you’ll give birth to a rat. Just like if you eat a watermelon seed.
Follow everyone in your class on Instagram. You might not meet all of them, but you will see them in the halls. And stare at them. And they will stare at you. And you will never say anything to them. And you will develop a crush on them even though you’ve never talked. And you will wonder what you are doing with your life. And they will all unfollow you because they won’t know you. And you will keep following them. And living vicariously through them. Forever.
Don’t follow the honor code. Real college students don’t care about consequences. In fact, follow the anti-honor code which says that you must be as dishonest as possible. Plus, the more you plagiarize, the more you’ll have time for fun things like, I don’t know, staring wistfully out of your window.
Make out with a squirrel. You haven’t had the true Oberlin experience until you’ve done this. Rabies aren’t real and isn’t, like, half of this school furries? Have human-squirrel hybrid babies for all I care!
Get drunk before class. If you’re the type of person that’s more talkative when drunk this will help you get your participation grade up.
Don’t look both ways before crossing the street. What am I, your mother? Are you still in kindergarten? No! You’re a fucking college freshman! The cars will stop for you out of awe!
Stand in large groups. This makes it easier for the upperclassmen to get you with our bow and arrows. Uhh. It's a fun activity and you should have fun at college.