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New Freshman Dorm to Feature Solid Gold Bathrooms, Paper Towels

By Nate Odenkirk | nodenkir@oberlin.edu | February 23, 2018 @ 4:57 pm

In an anticipated series of events, Oberlin Res Ed has approved the construction of an entirely new freshman dorm that includes both a solid gold bathroom and paper towels. “We are always looking for ways to improve standards of living for our first-year students,” noted Swim Larson, executive director for first-year housing. “First-year student satisfaction is key to our bottom line—unlike the rest of us, they need a nurturing, cocooned environment to live in. That’s why we made the decision to include a solid gold bathroom. It was literally a no-brainer; we didn’t think about it.”

 

The new dorms, which will be built to replace the dilapidated and aging Kahn Hall, have been met with mixed reactions. “I like the idea of a solid gold bathroom, but I’m not so sure about the paper towels,” remarked Kahn resident and first year student Matt Packer. “I’m worried about the impact it would have on the environment.” Kahn is, after all, an “eco-friendly” dorm that masterfully balances environmental awareness with such amenities as air conditioning, multiple kitchens, and television sets on every floor. Paper towels, on the other hand, are wasteful and only work when a user has wet hands. “Who has wet hands? They’re weird,” says Packer. When asked if other plans were in the works to extend such features to non-first years, Larson remarked “The rest of the housing units need to step up their sustainability game. Until then, no one else gets gold toilets, and they can forget about the pipe dream that is paper towels.”

Contact contributing writer Nate Odenkirk at nodenkir@oberlin.edu.