A Letter from the Wilder Information Desk

We do not sell Solarity tickets.

By Wilder Information Desk Staff | stunion@oberlin.edu | March 9, 2018 @ 6:44 pm

It’s no secret to us that our fellow students often describe our jobs at the Wilder Info Desk as “sitting and looking pretty”, but little do they know what really goes down on the other side of our laminated countertops. Now that the building has been renovated and the wooden curtain removed, we are ready to spill our secrets…and maybe some of yours along the way.

Take the ID, swap for a key, rinse and repeat. Right? WRONG (just kidding the patron is never wrong. I’d like to apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.) But seriously, we are so much more than our open handed gestures, shift cash count sheets, bike pumps and walkie-talkies.

First of all, the fourth floor urinal that won’t stop flushing? Haunted. That’s right, this building is full of ghosts. Try walking through the secret stairwell alone past midnight, with nothing but Tom Reid’s training on stellar customer service and a bottle of multipurpose cleaner to protect you. Also, there are wooden stocks for prisoners hidden in the attic. And bats. Lots of them. Think about that the next time you toss a key too hard and watch us pick it up off the floor. You can’t begin to understand the things we’ve seen…

…or heard. If walls could talk these marble beauties would tell you to keep your dang voices down. The tiniest whispers turn into deafening echoes thanks to our grand staircase, and there is such a thing as too much information (we would know…information is sort of our thing). A few weeks ago a man fell asleep on the fourth floor and we could hear him snoring from the desk. Just keep that in mind the next time you’re giving a very visual account of your weekend adventures. Let’s just say we could draw a diagram of Oberlin’s hookup culture so accurate it could be stored in the cabinet with maps of the bike path.

And speaking of these intimacies, stop having sex in the open meditation room. Knock it off. Quit it. Spare us the humiliating eye contact as we do our closing tours. That’s right, we know all of your dirty little secrets. I don’t care how strong your energies are, nobody reflects so hard they leave their meditation session naked, flushed and sweaty.

Also, nobody is as good at small talk as we are. Especially when it comes to chatting with the townspeople of Oberlin, Ohio. Local politicians, neighbors, prospective parents, drunk alumni at commencement, you name it we’ve met them. We are good at old people. So good, in fact, that people have taken to memorizing our shifts and visiting us weekly, even occasionally bringing us gifts. Between all of us we have received a variety of books, chocolates, letters, art, and more. And yes, we know this is weird, and we have a secret language of code words reserved for situations like these. From walkie-talkies, to giant safes, to a high-tech cash register circa 1990, we are basically the Spy Kids of Oberlin College. You come to the desk for the free food, but every shift we have is essentially a top-secret mission.

So the next time you ask to reserve a ‘study room’ for your Dungeons and Dragons group or tell us about the mysterious blood that needs to be cleaned up on the third floor, remember that while we may be the keepers of information, we are also the keepers of your secrets.

Oh and one more thing…you need the sticker to access the key to our hearts.

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