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Jazz Boy Gets Results from Paternity Test, Turns Out He’s Part Bass

GANGLYBOYLUVR7 // APRIL  27, 2018

Johnny Jazzboy used to attribute his tall, lanky physique to good genes and excellent posture, but recently uncovered a shocking truth about his ancestry. According to DNA testing, Johnny and his whole family share a common ancestor, the upright bass.

“It’s shocking how human-like Johnny looks, considering that he is at least 25% bass”, Dr. Ronald Reynaud, genetics and human development specialist at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center said.

Jazzboy offered his comments: “How does it feel to tell people that I’m part bass? It feels good, all along, I felt like I was missing a part of my identity.” Jazzboy expressed excitement about how this discovery would affect his playing.

“I already play myself on the daily, but this gives me a leg up over my competition. I was worried that my fellow ~cats~ would be jealous, but it’s only brought us closer. The Oberlin community has been very accepting of my background. I finally feel comfortable wearing shorts, even though you can clearly see that my left leg is actually just the endpin of a bass.”

Now, when asked “do ya like jazz?”, Jazzboy finds himself replying “bitch, I am jazz” with newfound confidence.


If you too suspect that you may have ties to the chordophone family, please contact Student Health for discounted DNA testing. A support group will meet in Wilder 115 on Mondays at 5pm starting immediately.