How to Celebrate Straight Pride All Year Round!

GRACE SMITH // SEPTEMBER 27, 2019

 

Last month Boston made history with it’s first ever “Straight Pride Parade”. The gathering of 200+ dinosaur blow up costumes, blue lives matter shirts, and incels crossing their fingers that tonight was the night was a milestone for hets across the nation. For those of you who missed the Boston parade and are itching for more, here are some ways you can celebrate Straight Pride all year round!

 

For you ladies:

  • Trample over an elderly woman to get glossier’s lidstar this Black Friday

  • Comment “yes bestie <3!” on the insta post of the girl you just called “an STD dispenser” on your finsta

  • Correct people for misgendering your dog but ignore your trans co-worker’s pronouns 

  • Collect personality traits from your friends!

  • Sob harder during Tall Girl than you did with The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

  • “I’m a little psychic :p”

  • Call your boyfriend a “Daddy” for putting his thumb in his acid-wash jeans pocket

  • Get a UTI because you’re scared he’ll leave if you go to the bathroom

 

For you gentlemen: 

  • Ruin the family roadtrip by defending the ethics of step-sibling pornography 

  • Punch a wall after every conversation with your father

  • Learn empathy in your late 20s

  • Wear a brown tie to every church service because that’s the only time your teeth look white

  • MILITARY BED SHEETS

  • Get a little frisky when cargo shorts go on sale at the GAP

  • Yell at your mom in the vineyard vines pullover she bought for you with her allowance 

  • Go to Senior Prom with a 14 year old

  • Seriously weigh the pros and cons of removing your bottom 2 ribs

  • Never communicate your feelings until it’s time to sign the divorce papers

 

For you couples ;)

  • Dry dry sex

  • Get married before 2015 

  • Blue Apron or the Jessica Alba version of Blue Apron

  • Stuff  v bb pumpkins

  • Taking MackleCo to educate yourself on queer issues 

  • Hold hands in a city you don’t know  

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